U

Vacant: adj.:
unoccupied, but not necessarily empty. Examples include the lot where the neighborhood kids play ball and the gaze of the date who is thinking about someone else entirely.

Vacation: n.:
a period of time when you worry about the problems of work without having the information or tools available to deal with them.

Vacuum: n.:
something that is disgusting to Nature. Most bachelors don't seem to like them very much, either.

Value: n.:
the return something will garner in the marketplace.
Hence the conservative emphasis on "family values."

Value added tax: n.:
a scheme that raises the price and lowers the value of everything proportionally to its worth.

Vanity: n.:
the force that attracts us to mirrors.

Vapid: adj.:
rated G.

Vast: adj.:
wide-ranging, all-encompassing; often used in the context of conspiracies. This usage is probably unwarranted, or at least exaggerated, as most attributed conspiracies are only half-vast.

Vaudeville: n.:
traditional home of the vaudevillain, purveyor of titillation and tasteless entertainment. No longer functional, its place has been taken by the daytime talk show, the sitcom and the political campaign.

Vegetarian: n.:
cereal killer; one who has determined that the life of a cow or a fish is sacred while that of a carrot or a potato is not.

Venal: adj.:
a type of sin which is not mortal, as opposed to venial sin, which, since the advent of AIDS, may well be mortal.

Verb: n.:
noun.
Nero Wolfe would refuse further conversation with anyone who used "impact" or "contact" as verbs. This totally cut him off from the Yuppies, who were nearly the only ones with enough money to afford his fees.

Verbalize: v.t.:
use a noun or an adjective as a verb.

Vermillion: adj.:
the color of ink used for recording the US Budget: deep, deep red.

Veto: v.t.:
If we can't play it my way, nobody's going to play at all.
The Russian spelling is transliterated "Nyet."

Viable: adj.:
not (quite) stillborn.

Vice: n.:
an activity you enjoy and I don't approve of: evil, wickedness, depravity; hence, Vice President, Vice Chairman, Vice Admiral, etc.
The Vice President is the President of the Senate; the Senate is considered to be the superior chamber of the Congress. This pretty well defines the value of Congress.

Vice President: n.:
ventriloquist's dummy to the executive branch.

Victim: n.:
the one to blame for a calamity.

Victimless crime: n.i:
benevolent government's means of protecting you from yourself.

Victor: n.:

1. the candidate with the fewest votes against him.
   
2. the one who gets to write the history.

Vicuña: n.:
the animal from whose fleece not-quite-so-good-Republican cloth coats are woven.

Vietnam: n.:
symbol of the middle-American dream: guilt without sex.

Viking: n.:
first-millenium Norseman or Dane on furlough during the off season between planting and harvest.

Vindicate: v.t.:
provide a politically acceptable excuse.

Violence: n.:

1. physical oppression, the legal use of which is restricted to the government and military.
   
2. The first refuge of the incompetent.
   
3. A punster's favorite section of the orchestra.

Violent crime: n.:
title of the campaign to justify suspension of police controls, which replaced drug trafficking when that campaign foundered.

Virgin: adj.:
unsullied by contact with humans, especially male humans.

Virgin wool: n.:
product of Little Bo Peep's flock.

Virtual: adj.:
illusory; unreal. As virtual community, virtual reality.

Virtue: n.:

1. any transgression that has been routinely committed long enough to have become generally accepted or expected.
   
2. behavior by others in accordance with the dictates of my conscience.
   
3. A self-rewarding activity which in general is much more rewarding to the observer than the practitioner.

Virtuous: adj.:
exhibiting behavior praiseworthy by its close correspondence with my prejudices.

Virulent: adj.:
more robust than I would like it to be.

Virus: n.:
husky, if small, microbe.

Vision: n.:
a hallucination, after its trip to the spin doctor.

Visionary: n.:

1. someone who can have wet dreams without going to sleep.
   
2. one who has been blinded by his rose-colored glasses.
   
3. a fanatic with a good press agent.
   
4. one who has an unusual ability to sell his hallucinations

Visionary: adj.:
impractical, imbecilic or inane.

Voicemail: n.:
the method we use to provide impersonal service.

Volcano: n.:
geological zit.

Volunteer: v.i.:
demonstrate one's lack of military experience.

Volunteerism: n.:
formalization of "let George do it."

Vote: v.i.:
show support at the ballot box for one's political bosses.

Vote of confidence: n.:
a ballot cast in support of the Spanish Prisoner.

VR: acronym:
an activity developed for people who are unable or unwilling to confront actual reality.

Vulgar: adj.:

1. ordinary; popular; pertaining to the man in the street.
   
2. base; offensive; degraded.