T & A: n. phrase:
Titillation and Assininity; the currency of the advertising trade.

Tab: n.:

1. a protrusion that makes identification and location of something easier.
   
2. a line of credit that makes identification and location of someone necessary.

Tabloid: n.:
a newspaper whose content will only be improved on by its being used to line a parrot's cage.
All the news that's not fit to print.

Tabu: n.:
any act that would raise Mrs Grundy's eyebrows.

Tabula rasa: n.:
a document listing the positive accomplishments of a session of Congress.

Tact: n.:
the ability to step on someone's toes without bruising their ego.

Tail wagging the dog: gerundive phrase:
US foreign policy since World War II.

Take Back America: phrase:
impose an ideology on the body politic which it has never before had to bear.

Taking care of business: phrase:
Contract with America.

Talent: n.:
the discriminator between performer and artist.

Talk is cheap: phrase:

1. the dream of every campaign finance manager.
   
2. an obsolete sentiment from before the Bell breakup.
   
3. a sentiment widely held before C-Span.

Talk radio: n.:
the Wasteland of Rant. Divided between those who seek to shock by the use of obscene language and those who seek to shock with obscene ideas.

Tan: v.i.:
turn skin to leather.

Tantalus: proper name:
figure in Greek mythology who is condemned to have his heart's desire held just out of reach.
Kind of like Harold Stassen or Norman Thomas and the Presidency; or George Bush I and the second term; or, either George Bush and a working economy.

Tao: n.:
the religion of millions of Chinese; compare with the homonymous "Dow," the religion of millions of Republicans.

Tar: n.:
the active ingredient in highway pavement, cigarette smoke and certain baseball bats.

Tar Baby: proper name:
Joel Harris's tribute to the institution of the political record.

Tariff: n.:
the government's jack; used for tipping playing fields.

Task force: n.:
the title a committee affects when they want to sound aggressive.

Taste: n.:
that character of the American public that noone ever went broke by underestimating.

Tasteless: adj.:

1. having the savor of a primetime TV show -- or an old Benny Hill episode.
   
2. showing the esthetic discrimination of an in-law.

Tattoo: n.:
portable art.

Tautology: n.:
superfluous redundancy. Phrases such as "sex pervert" (what other kind do we have?) or "shower activity" (vs inactive rain?) which are used to fill time or sound pompous. Are news writers paid by the word?
Liberals would include "police brutality," while conservatives would consider "welfare cheat" to be a member of the set.

Tavern: n.:
a place where men go to drink to get stiff and women go to drink to get tight, whence they leave together to discover that neither is either.

Tax: v.t.:

1. rob with government sanction.
   
2. stress close to the limit.

Tax cut: n.:
the political equivalent of the candy offered to a child to get them to get into the car.

Tax equity: n.:
from each according to my ideology, to each according to my view of his need.

Tax evasion: n.:
the French national sport.
Much more popular in the USA than that other French institution, the Metric System.

Taxation without representation: n.:
deficit spending.
If this seems strange, ask any grade-schooler, who will spend his life paying off the debt run up by those now in power.
Apart from the periodic circuses called elections, taxation without representation is not easily distinguishable from taxation with representation.

Team: n.:

1. a gang involved in activities which have my approval.
   
2. a committee with leadership (rare)(very rare).

Tease: v.t.:
cause another's reach to exceed their grasp, so they can never quite have what they have been led to desire.

Technically: adv.:

1. through a loophole.
   
2. to a nit picker.

Technobabble: n.:
sequences of language using scientific-sounding words, but without substance or meaning; as the scripts of science fiction shows, the pronouncements of creationists, or the legal arguments of consumer advocates.

Technological leadership: n.:
possession of a marketing department adept at coining buzzwords and evoking memorable, if vaguely related, imagery to publicize their product.

Teeth: n.:

1. enforcement authority, as a "law with teeth in it."
   
2. the natural resource that is mined to support dentists.

Telecon: n.:
'phone solicitor who got caught.

Telephone: n.:
a Quisling servant that lets salesmen and other vermin into our homes.

Telescope: n.:
the heretic instrument, which caused more dislocation in the Church than anything before or since.

Televangelist: n.:
a preacher who has exchanged his sackcloth and ashes for cashmere and Max Factor.

Television: n.:
the most potent and dangerous mind-altering substance yet devised by the hand of Man.

Temper: n.:
in tools, the measure of the ability to avoid breaking; in tool users, the measure of the tendency to break from control.

Temptation: n.:
the irresistible force.

Tenure: n.:
a vaccination that gives academics lifetime immunity to the vicissitudes of the law of supply and demand.

Term limits: n.:
Washington's way of giving control of the government back to the voters: by telling them that they can't vote for people who have held office long enough to learn how to do the job.
Interestingly enough, they ignore the fact that the voters have the opportunity to limit terms already: every two years for the House and every six for the Senate.
It is also interesting to note that the activists pushing term limits legislation always point with scorn to Ted Kennedy, and never to Jesse Helms or Strom Thurmond.

Term of office: n.:
the time between the promises and the alibis.

Terminal illness: n.:

1. the Amtrak disease; contagious, look at Greyhound.
   
2. excessive belief in the Information SuperHighway.
   
3. breathing.

Terminally shy: adj phrase:
computerphobic.

Territory: n.:
map. Specifically, the map drawn by my people.

Terrorism: n.:
use of force in support of a cause that I don't support.

Testicles: proper name:
minor, one might say dependent, Greek god; patron deity of weight lifters.

Testosterone: n.:
the hormone which in overabundance may cause a man to act as though he had PMS.

Testy: adj.:
manifesting behaviors characteristic of overactive testes.
The usage of referring to male aggression hormones isn't just poetic license.

THC: n.:
magic substance used by the Beat Generation as a substitute for TLC, with which most are unacquainted and/or incapable.

Thanks: n.:
a platitude offered to someone when we have taken him for all we can get away with, so as to dispose him favorably toward our next EXPEDItion.

Theater of the absurd: n.:
any high-profile criminal trial in the modern American legal system.

Theme park: n.:
a multi-acre full-time commercial that you pay to attend.

Theocracy: n.:
government by Divine pronouncement.
Democrats would say this is the Republican political platform.

Theoretically: adv.:
if I had my way . . . .

Theory: n.:
a guess that has done its homework.

"There is absolutely nothing to be afraid of.": clause:
be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

Thesaurus: n.:
the most erudite of the dinosaurs.

Thespian: n.:
an actor who is better than he should be.

Thief: n.:
a scoundrel who took something I wanted.

Think tank: n.:
a planning organization named in recognition of the quality of their thoughts; the tank in question traditionally has a chain attached.

Third Reich: n.:
the "Thousand Year Reich." Apparently, that problem Germany had with inflation affected more than just their money.

Thought: n.:
the realm where we can be the equal of any; the only such realm.
Of the triad, word, thought and deed, the one that can be private.

Thought police: n.:
officials who tell you you can go to jail for what you're thinkin'.
A legacy of George Orwell -- the word, not the phenomenon; that's been around at least as long as there have been priests -- or gossips.

Three Laws of Thermodynamics: n.:

1. you can't win;
   
2. you can't break even;
   
3. you can't get out of the game.

Three ring circus: n.:
a low public spectacle comprising the prosecution's table, the defense's table and the press pool.

Three-time loser: n.:
voter in a constituency with a third-term legislator.

"Throw the rascals out": motto:
vote the scoundrels in.

Time: n.:
money. Or, since the days of Einstein, space.

Timid: adj.:
observing life in accordance with the adage: "nothing ventured, nothing lost."

Tin Pan Alley: n.:
the fertile field wherein popular music was grown for some fifty years. Too much rock left it barren.

"To err is human": phrase:
I messed up again.

"To make a long story short": phrase:
to make a long story even longer . . . .

Toad: n.:

1. collector of toadies.
   
2. a small, dry amphibian which bears a frightening resemblance to an in-law.

Toast: n.:
liquid epigram.

Tobacco: n.:
according to the US Surgeon General, the weapon with which the Indian has killed more white men than he ever managed to with arrow or tomahawk.

Tofu: n.:
Chinese cheese, bland, pale and milkfree.

Tolerance: n.:
social incendiary; any small demonstration of tolerance is enough to ignite any fundamentalist.
Formerly, tolerance of other races, religions or cultural practices was sufficient to cause deflagration. These have been superseded by tolerance of sexual variation as the most pyrophoric behaviors.

Tomb: n.:
a small apartment wherein to dwell in the days after your final days.

Tome: n.:
reading matter for pedants and poseurs.

Topical humor: n.:
news datelined Washington D.C.

Topologist: n.:
a mathematician who doesn't know the difference between a donut, a cup of coffee, and the man that consumes both.

Tornado: n.:
whirlwind of great intensity; mysteriously attracted to mobile home parks.
Scientists say tornadoes are caused by hot air rising.
The Bible says "they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind."
The pattern of tornado activity follows the pattern of ascendancy of fundamentalist and evangelical church acitivity in the United States.

Tort: n.:
lawyerese for a harm done to me.

Tort reform: n.:
financial armor for those with adequate finances.

Total commitment: n.:
any level of involvement that entails more than learning a couple of slogans.

Totem: n.:
an element of Nature, usually an animal, believed by primitive peoples to embody or represent the collective spirit of the community.
Not to be confused with a mascot, which is an animal chosen by a sports team to symbolize the collective spirit of the fans.

Tough on crime: motto:
tough on non-white-collar and non-white-skin crime.

Trade deficit: n.:
grass roots foreign aid.

Traditional: adj.:
the way I remember we did it when I was a kid.

Tragedy: n.:
in theater, when the hero doesn't get the girl; in life, when he does.

Tragic: adj.:
suitable for use as the basis for an appeal for emergency relief funds.

Traitor: n.:
one who has shifted allegiances away from mine.

Transparent: adj.:
something even I can see through.

Travel: n.:
popular excuse for going off the diet; hence the maxim: travel is broadening.

Travesty: n.:
a verdict I didn't want and didn't expect.

Treachery: n.:
application of the principle of laissez faire in the realm of politics.

Treason: n.:
espousal of positions more liberal than the government approves of.
Once on a time, giving aid and comfort to an enemy constituted treason. In the 1980s, either declaring war on the US did not make one an enemy, selling arms to an enemy did not constitute giving aid, or we lived in more forgiving times.

Trial in the press: phrase:
Everyone is assumed innocent until accused.
A spate of high-profile and celebrity court cases have succeded in driving the quality of court reportage even lower than it has been for medical and scientific matters.

Triangle: n.:
the eternal form. Lucky Pierre's favorite shape.

Triathlon: n.:
the going-for-times that try men's soles.

Trinity: n.:

1. Unity.
   
2. the antithesis of Unity.
   In these forms, it is the core and dividing property of Christianity.
3. Man's first use of Hellfire.

Tripp: v.t.:
betray; stumble

Trivialization: n.:
inflation, as it applies to language or the law.
The popular current usages of "rape", "sexual harassment", "child abuse", etc., are the linguistic equivalent of trillion-dollar rolls of toilet paper.

Trivialize: v.t.:
edit for presentation on the Evening News.

Trojan horse: n.:

1. an attractive wrapper with an unpleasant filling, rather like some chocolates, or many candidates.
   
2. model for very large condoms.
   
3. a computer program based on the same principles as the advertising for computer programs: promise one thing and deliver something entirely different.

Tropical humor: n.:
elephant jokes.

Truce: n.:
time out to reload.

True: adj.:
widely believed, especially if I believe it.

Truth: n.:

1. what I said.
   
2. what I want to be.
   
3. (capitalized) a mythical quality, supposed to be a fundamental property of the Universe.

Truth in advertising: phrase:
nothing works better; we don't make any money selling nothing.

Truth In Advertising Act: n.:
commercial equivalent of the Ethics In Government Act: a piece of light fiction designed for the amusement of high-school Civics classes, honored in the breach more than in the observance.

Tsunami: n.:
seismic sea wave: a (sometimes big) ripple caused by an earthquake.
The term was coined to replace the inaccurate "tidal wave," which is an entirely unrelated phenomenon that occasionally presents a similar appearance.
"Tsunami" is Japanese for tidal wave.

Tunnel: n.:
primary source of political vision.

Turn on the Juice: phrase:
what the press did, following the lead of the L.A. DA's office.

Twaddle: n.:
the content of advertisements, sermons, political speeches or legal briefs, inter alia.

Two-faced: adj.:
having the rudimentary qualification for the law or politics.

Two-party system: n.:

1. a party which owns more than one candidate.
   
2. that political institution which in each election year brings us the traditional evil of the two lessers.

Two-scoops: adj.:
as flakey as a box of raisin bran.

Typewriter: n.:
a demonic device which has cast a curse on the quality of handwriting in the modern world.

Tyrannosaurus: n.:
the most beloved of the dinosaurs; his disposition would have suited him well for twentieth-century culture; that and the size of his brain would suggest a career in the law or politics.

Tyranny: n.:
government I don't like.