Sabbath: n.:
the holiest day of the week: the one with the most sports programming.
Saccharine: n.:
the characteristic spice of the Disney version.
Sacred: adj.:
important to me.
Saddle bum: n.:
a Britticism in observation of the fact that travel is broadening,
even, or, perhaps, especially, on horseback.
The condition must be considered to be even less desirable than "hat hair."
Salacious: adj.:
spicy; flavorful. From the Latin for salt, the primordial spice.
Salamander: n.:
a small amphibian often mistaken by the uninitiated for a lizard.
Incorrectly identified as a fire lizard or immature dragon, they were believed to be consorts of wizards.
Salary: n:
modern chains of servitude.
Derived from the Latin for "salt", its use evokes images of rubbing salt in the wounds of the week in the trenches.
Sales tax: n.:
value detracting tax.
Salt: v.t.:
to counterfeit the appearance of genuineness or value.
Hence, the traditional metaphor of referring to a popular social or political
figure as "the salt of the earth."
Saltpeter: n.:
refined guano. Traditional condiment in the kitchens of the military, prisons and all-male schools.
Same-sex marriage: n.:
new political football of the Left vs Right games.
Given normal development, it can be expected to devolve into the traditional form: no-sex marriage.
Sanitary landfill: n.:
a declivity where we dispose of used diapers, rotten food, sewage sludge. etc.
Sanity: n.:
the state of mind exhibited by those who do things my way.
Sanity Clause: n.:
provision removed from the Voting Rights Act, lest the candidates be disqualified.
Sarcasm: n.:
the poor man's irony.
Sardine: n.:
a pilchard in training to become a mass-transit commuter.
Sardonic: adj.:
in a manner or style appropriate for the evaluation of campaign speeches.
Satan: proper(!) name:
an individual with all the characteristics attributed to a President or Congressman of the other party.
Satire: n.:
an erstwhile literary artform that relied on keen obvservation,
acute analysis, and incisive characterization; it has since largely
devolved to caricature and cheap shots, with the occasional
excursion into lampoon.
Satirist: n.:
a humorist named in honor of the piercing horns and cutting hooves of the goat.
The better ones are claimed to share some of the other attributes of Caper.
Satyriasis: n.:
extremism . . . in the pursuit of . . . .
Perpetual emotion in the male.
Scandal: n.:
the result of disclosure of a public figure's private activities.
Scapegoat: n.:
a steed which politicians ride into office and evangelists ride to the bank.
Scatology: n.:
the study of the language of teenagers.
Scenario: n.:
official pipe dream.
Schedule: n.:
freeman's tyrant.
Scholium: n.:
coursework taught in a classroom in an ivory tower.
School: n.:
a very confusing and inconsistent place for young males: when
they're 4 or 5, they're told they mustn't go out without their
rubbers; 10 years later, they're told they mustn't go in without
them.
Schwarzchild: proper name:
a small round country with very secure borders.
Immigration is an issue, while out-migration is forbidden.
Schwarzkopf: n.:
German for pimple.
Science: n.:
any collection of anecdotes, assertions, etc. that support my views.
Science of Mind: n.:
pseudoscience of warm-fuzzy, touchy-feely feel-good buzzwords.
Scientific: adj.:
in the law, second-rate. No lawyer will ever let scientific evidence
get in the way of a good emotional plea or interfere with tear-jerking anecdotal evidence.
Scientific deduction: n.:
test tube baby.
Scofflaw: n.:
one whose behavior is as though he thinks himself a Congressman.
Scoundrel: n.:
someone more successful than me.
Scruples: n.:
a handicap — inflammation of the conscience gland — which
virtually precludes one from a profession in the law or in politics.
Seagull: n.:
amphibious pigeon.
Second: adj.:
losing. In American sports fandom, this position is slightly less respectable than last.
Second: n.:
one who held the duellist's coat, provided his weapons, tended his wounds, notified his widow . . . .
Second: v.t.:
in parliamentary usage, to be one of the first to climb onto the bandwagon touting the matter at question.
The Second American Revolution: n.:
the entirely superfluous declaration by the Republican leadership that they are revolting.
A carefully orchestrated effort to undo all the civil liberties gained in the first one.
Secret: n.:
a precious commodity that provides no satisfaction until shared, at which time it loses that quality which made it precious.
Secret Service: n.:
an agency whose charter is to prosecute purveyors of counterfeit
currency and to safeguard purveyors of counterfeit patriotism; the
term has evolved to imply clandestine adultery.
Secretary: n.:
the person in an organization with the most real practical power.
Secretism: n.:
the doctrine that secrecy is superior to openness.
"See what you made me do!": phrase:
rallying cry of the professional blamethrower.
Seismic: adj.:
earth-shaking.
Self-abuse: n.:
abstemious dysphemism for self-amusement.
Self-control: n.:
self-denial.
Self-discipline: n.:
if discipline is punishment, as most people believe, and
punishment is abuse, as the courts now hold, then you figure it out.
Self-fulfilling prophecy: n.:
the kind to specialize in if you want to maintain your prestige as a prophet.
Senate: n.:
one of the two branches of the Legislature, the Senate is referred to
as the senior chamber because, unlike the other, they occasionally
try to act as though grown up. Of course, senators have the
advantage of not having to run for office every Congress.
Senilia: proper name:
minor Roman goddess, patron of retirement homes.
Sensationalize: v.t.:
edit for presentation on a TV "news magazine."
Sense of humor: n.:
the ability to read jokes from cue cards.
Sense of the Congress: n.:
common oxymoron.
Sensitive: adj.:
over-reactive.
Sentiment: n.:
sentimentality, usually maudlin;
the sediment left when we have drained the cup of emotion.
Separate but equal: adj.:
separate.
Separation of Church and State: n.:
a principle that should not be applicable to my church.
Justice Black observed that "a union of government and religion
tends to destroy government and to degrade religion." He may
have confused cause and effect.
Sequester: v.t.:
to treat a jury less generously than the accused on whom they are
to sit in judgement; to imprison without trial or appeal for a
sentence of indeterminate length.
Serious proposal: n.:
a negotiating offer designed so as to look good to the press while
containing a provision known to be unacceptable to the other side.
Serve: v.t.:
to expend time nonproductively, as a criminal in prison or a politician in office.
Service: v.t.:
attempt to impregnate, as a when bull services a dairy cow to freshen her for milk production.
Hence, civil service, service economy.
And what are we to make of "Senior Service" for the Navy?
Sesame Street: n.:
a path for opening the minds of the young; and reopening the minds of the no-longer young.
Sesquipedalian: adj.:
fixated toward utilization of polysyllabic verbiage, especially instances employing obfuscatory vocabulary.
"Set a thief to catch a thief": adage:
the philosophical basis for the selection of chairmen of committees
investigating campaign finance irregularities.
Settlement: n.:
the primary obstacle to the establishment of relationships: men
aren't willing to settle down, while women aren't willing to "settle for."
Sewer: n.:
a location nearly as neat and sanitary as the mind of a college sophomore.
Sexual harassment: n.:
unwanted or embarassing attention of a kind associated with male courting or courting-display behaviors. Not to be confused with
unwanted or embarassing attention of a kind associated with
female courting or courting-display behaviors, which shall be
considered to be constitutionally protected free speech.
Sexism: n.:
any attitude or activity that does not exalt females.
Sexist: n.:
adult white male.
Sexist: adj.:
having the property shared by all general statements about females.
Shame: n.:
irritating exudation of the conscience gland.
Share: v.t.:
new-age-ese for tell. Used to imply (usually falsely) that the listener gives a damn.
Shark: n.:
a cold-blooded predator with an insatiable appetite for destruction and consumption; lawyer of the sea.
Shiite: n.:
a religious sect whose name is two letters longer than the description of its leadership.
Ship: n.:
commercial conveyance of a scope to be launched by one millihelen.
Original attribution probably not by Homer, but by another blind Attic poet of the same name.
Show the flag: clause:
"mine is bigger than yours" played on a national scale, usually as a
means of forcing foreign policy.
Shrew: n.:
a small mammal noted for its ferocity, voracity and venomous bite; a nagging wife.
The latter variety can be tamed.
Shroud: n.:
ultimate wardrobe.
Shyster: n.:
crooked lawyer; lawyer.
Silent Majority: n.:
the graveyard vote.
Silicone Valley: name:
artificially enhanced cleavage.
Silk purse: n.:
cause of deafness in pigs.
Silver: n.:
a metal with remarkable medical value: it is noteworthy for its ability to treat itching of the palm. Dosage should be carefully controlled, however, as the taking of a mere thirty pieces can do overwhelming damage to one's reputation. Note: habit forming.
Simulated: adj.:
phony.
Simulation: n.:
the con man's — or the computer's — version.
Sincerity: n.:
the most overrated of virtues — all the sincerity in the world won't
make you right.
Often confused with "honesty", to which it bears no relationship.
Siren song: n.:
an irresistible appeal; from the way crowds form around any use of the siren by emergency vehicles.
Sissy: n.:
man who acts feminine, especially one who wears women's clothes.
Explain this to the next Highlander in his kilt that you encounter.
Sisyphus: proper name:
the figure in Greek mythology who never can do it right and always must do it over.
Sitcom: n.:
the medium through which Hollywood TV executives express
their respect for the intelligence and sensitivity of their audiences,
and the quality of their writers, by feeling it necessary to tell the
viewer when he is supposed to laugh.
Ski: v.i.:
perform one of two categories of snow-borne athletic activity:
Skinhead: n.:
another example of the deplorable spelling abilities of our time,
though they got the form right: s-<consonant>-i-<consonant>-head.
Slander: n.:
word-of-mouth advertising; libel for illiterates.
Slang: n.:
the Vulgate Dictionary.
Slant: v.t.:
to write an article such that the message is not what I would want conveyed.
Slash: v.t.:
treat with the same tender consideration that Republicans show to social-program funding.
Slaver: n.:
the agent, usually black or Arab, from whom the European slave traders acquired their goods.
Slavery: n.:
indentured servitude, open-ended and attested by a third party.
Sleep: n.:
Nature's answer to the problem of Monday.
Slick Willy: epithet:
Oxford slang for a recently withdrawn member.
Slippery slope: n.:
the surface the camel stands on as he sticks his nose into your tent;
paved with good intentions.
Sloppy: adj.:
having the esthetic appeal of the contents of the chamberpot; barely fit to throw to the hogs.
Slug: n.:
homeless escargot.
Smog: n.:
industrial-strength air.
Smoke-filled room: n.:
number one on the Surgeon General's hit list until AIDS came along to promote sex to that slot.
Traditional smoke-filled rooms are more dangerous to those outside them than to those inside them.
Smoking gun: n.:
the ultimate Liberal insult, being comprised of "smoking", a reprehensible vice, and "gun", the modern demon.
Smuggler: n.:
Libertarian importer.
Snail: n.:
unofficial mascot of the Postal Service.
Snide: adj.:
tending to attack without warning, from below and behind.
Snipe: n.:
a marsh bird hunted by preadolescent males in a rite of passage.
Snipe: v.i.:
attack using a weapon slightly more acute than a bludgeon, preferably from a safe distance or vantage.
Snow: v.t.:
wave the hands rapidly enough to create the confusing effect of a blizzard.
The authentic product of a snow is white, while that of the handwaving type is a pastoral brown.
Snow: n.:
symbolically, anything white.
"If there's snow on the roof, that doesn't mean the fire's out in the furnace" is a popular motto among upper-middle aged men. If there's snow on the roof and the
fire's not out in the furnace, it shows that the roof is well insulated.
The body insulates itself with blubber.
Soap opera: n.:
one of a family of ongoing narratives of sex, infidelity, treachery
and criminality to which the bulk of opponents to pornography and
of sex and violence on television are addicted.
Social: adj.:
unable to be effective when trying to operate solo.
Social commentator: n.:
a public figure with a knack for overstating the obvious.
Society: n.:
a subset of the populace, distinguished by some common interest
or attribute, especially power, prestige and status. Hence,
sociology, the study of the dynamics of society.
Solar power: n.:
an energy-supply system that won't be widely promoted until the
government figures out how to tax sunshine or the oil companies
figure out how to bill for its use.
Solicitation: n.:
enticement to ill-advised action; as solicitation of prostitution,
solicitation of funds for charity, solicitation of government grants.
Solicitor: n.:
in the USA, a licensed panhandler; in the UK, a lawyer not admitted to argue before the court.
Somatotype: n.:
human body styles.
There are three basic somatotypes:
Some Assembly Required: phrase:
the Ghost of Christmas Present.
Congratulations, you have just volunteered to become the unpaid employee of the company you bought the toy from.
Songbird: n.:
denizen of the commons noted for its cheerful voice and its habit of spotting cars.
Sordid: adj.:
suitable for inclusion in a soap opera or a TV movie.
"The sorriest spectacle it has ever been my misfortune to witness:"
phrase:
the other side won.
Soul: n.:
supernatural attribute connected to a person at conception, at birth or at baptism, depending on religion.
Soul: adj.:
African-american. A supernatural attribute assigned to food,
music, ill-mannered behavior, etc., to place them outside the range
of White experience.
Sound bite: n.:
advertising jingle of political marketing; the huckster's version of the aphorism.
The Sound of Music: phrase:
what the hills are alive with: mosquitoes, ticks, off-road vehicles . . . . Maybe Schoenberg and the others were right, after all.
Space program: n.:
America's contribution to our attempt to rise from the cradle of the race.
Brought to prominence by John Kennedy, it has never recovered from its revitalization under the Nixon administration.
Spare parts: n.:
the only potential social value of a lot of those idiots running around out there.
Spear carrier: n.:
operatic performer whose relation to the star is as yours to me.
When you have the feeling that the meaning of your life is to be a
spear carrier in the story of someone else's life, the condition is
either depression or devotion.
Special: adj.:
retarded; defective; inadequate; noncompetitive.
Special interest: n.:
him, if you're my friend; you, if you're not.
Special rights: n.:
basic civil rights for someone I dislike.
Specialize: v.i.:
to constrain one's scope of inquiry narrowly enough to allow some
chance of gaining expertise in one's lifetime.
The ultimate goal of specialization is to be able to master everything about nothing at all.
Specialty: n.:
an area where one has enough expertise to successfully hoodwink the uninitiated.
Specie: n.:
hard money; now extinct in the United States, except for a very
few showcase pieces of value primarily to collectors, and for a few
relict cartwheels used by the casinos.
Species: n.:
any grouping of non-human life that is identifiable enough for
environmental activists to use as grounds for a lawsuit under the
Endangered Species act.
Specious: adj.:
sharing the fundamental quality of species-ist arguments.
Spectator: n.:
voyeur.
Speech: n.:
a public performance wherein the speaker, using very many words, says nothing.
The after-dinner speech is the northern equivalent of the tropical siesta after meals.
Spike: v.t.:
(of traffic) to cause a lane of traffic to flow more slowly by the act of changing into it.
Spike: n.:
Brad, on steroids.
Spin doctor: n.:
one whose job it is to twist the meaning or perception of a gaffe;
the political equivalent of the guy who makes balloons into animals at fairs and childrens' parties.
The spin doctor at the White House usually does a good imitation of a Dervish.
Spiritual leader: n.:
one who teaches to his followers the virtue of giving up wealth. They are taught to give it up to him.
Spite: n.:
the most accomplished — and accomplishing — of the human emotions.
Sponsored research: n.:
classically, the story of the Glory Hound vs. the Greed Head.
Spontaneous: adj.:
carefully scripted so as to sound unrehearsed.
Spontaneous combustion: n.:
self-motivation of the igneous persuasion.
Sport: n.:
(preferably violent) physical activity presented for our amusement.
Sportsmanship: n.:
graciousness and discipline associated with competitive activity,
the reason given for expending tax dollars on high-school and
collegiate sports. The young players are taught sportsmanship by
such luminaries of the art as Bobby Knight and Woody Hayes.
Spotted owl: n.:
stalking horse of the eco-activist in his war to stamp out primary industry;
scapegoat of the sylvan harvest industry to account for the inevitable consequences of generations of greed and mismanagement.
Spy: n.:
footsoldier in the nonshooting wars between states.
Spy: v.i.:
observe carefully without permission, as an industry on its rivals, a
parent on her children, or a government on it citizens.
Squeal: n.:
the only part of the hog never found in hot dogs.
Squire: n.:
Queenly honorific for the sort of man who would choose to wear a really bad hairpiece.
Staff officer: n.:
professional soldier studying to learn how to fight the last war.
Star: n.:
a celestial orb that shines by its own light, or a human who thinks he does.
Astronomical stars are far above and beyond the everyday
concerns of men; human stars act as though they believe they are,
too.
Star Chamber: n.:
prototype of the National Security Council.
Star Wars: n.:
an heroic venture in a time long ago and a galaxy far away, but only there and then.
Starr: n.:
veterinary specialist: equino-proctologist.
Starr Chamber: n.:
a place for the subornation of witnesses, especially in the course of
fishing expeditions.
Stars and Bars: n.:
emblem of a country within a nation, dedicated to the proposition
that all white Protestant men are created equal, and everyone else
can take potluck.
Stars and Stripes: phrase:
emblem of the nation, standard to the patriot; icon to the right.
State of the Union: phrase:
overdrawn.
Statesman: n.:
an honorific bestowed on dead politicians; hence the tendency to
observe, in times of crisis, the need for more statesmen.
Statesmanship: n.:
the ability to maintain a straight face while pronouncing platitudes.
Statistics: n.:
the most widely published and read variety of Science Fiction.
Steal: v.t.:
appropriate without writ.
Steatopygia: n.:
a condition pertinent to Hottentots, where it's adaptive, and middle managers, where it's pygalgic.
Steer: n.:
taurine eunuch. Hence, any male made tractable by removal of the organs of aggression.
Steer: v.t.:
Steganography: n.:
the art of hiding information in plain sight, after the fashion of Poe's "Purloined Letter."
This has become popular in the computer age for embedding serial-number information in images, etc.
The practice of hiding information by dispersing it among many words of data was probably inspired by observation of the practices of software manual writers.
Stem to stern: phrase:
front to back, on a ship or a man.
Stereotype: n.:
the mold we use when we cast a person as a scapegoat.
Steroids: n.:
artificial male hormones; taken by guys who think their balls aren't
big enough to make all the genuine male hormones they need to be successful.
Stock market: n.:
Wall Street's generous provision for those who haven't the free time to go to Las Vegas or Atlantic City on workdays.
Stockholder: n.:
one of a member of the distributed ownership of a company: one
of those who can expect to be left holding the bag after the
executives have had their way with the company.
Stout: adj.:
euphemistically fat
Straight and narrow: adj phrase:
the Right mindset.
Straw man: n.:
the debater's favorite opponent.
Strict Constructionist: n.:
a jurist who desires to rebuild the Constitution with all the power shifted to the right.
Strike out: v.i.:
the only thing in baseball the average teenage boy does as well as a major-leaguer.
Struggle: v.i.:
attempt to stave off, or at least delay, the inevitable.
Strumpet: n.:
a woman who has found her livelihood in her niche.
Sturgeon's Law: n.:
"Ninety percent of everything is crap."
Sturgeon was a notorious optimist.
Style: n.:
a technique for rendering goods socially valueless before they
become physically worthless.
Subclinical: adj:
said of a medical condition not severe enough to put you in the hospital.
Subjectivity: n.:
an affliction which renders the sufferer unable to see things from my perspective.
Submarine: n.:
heroic sandwich.
Their races are a favorite spectator sport of high-school and college students.
Subpoena: n.:
an excretion of the Body Politic, in its incarnation as justiciar.
Subsidy: n.:
robbing Peter to pay Paul, if Peter is a taxpayer and Paul is a special interest group.
Success: n.:
the result required to make speculation respectable.
Successful: adj.:
having achieved the status of target for acquisitive lawyers and
their greedy clients, and for petty journalists and the generally disaffected.
Suicide: n.:
taking control of one's life for the last time; considered a sin by
those who deny the right to take control of one's own life and a
crime by those who mistrust the First Amendment.
Suicide is considered a crime by most supporters of capital
punishment. Unfortunately, not a capital crime.
Sunshine: n.:
fallout from the thermonuclear reactor that runs 90-odd percent of the whole show.
Nature's own antidepressant, especially in winter; addictive and potentially toxic.
Super: adj.:
slightly more unusual than the average.
Super Bowl: n.:
a ceremonial augury used to forecast the following year's activity in the Stock Market.
Superconductor: n.:
the Leonard Bernstein of metals.
Superficial: adj.:
as deep and penetrating as a political ad or a network news story.
Superlative: n.:
the fat with which the stuff of advertising is larded.
Supernova: n.:
an astronomical entity nearly as bright as my grandchild.
Supply side economics: n.:
I've got mine and now I want you to give me most of yours, in hopes that you might get a little of it back later.
Support and defend: v.t.:
ignore; from observation of the behavior of Congressmen, who are sworn to support and defend the Constitution.
Surf: v.t.:
ride, with pretentions to mastery: as the kahuna, the wave; the
sailboarder, the wind; the nerd, the Net (more recently, the Web);
or the couch potato, the channels of his remote control.
Surgeon: n.:
the cutup in the operating room.
Surgeon General: n.:
the Government's doctor; he orders you not to get sick. The primary consideration of the job description seems to be to lower the potential liability of health insurers.
Surplusage: n.:
the mark of a writer being paid by the word.
Surprise: n.:
the emotion elicited by the discovery that a public official has
actually told the truth.
Survival of the fittest: n phrase:
a descriptive biological phenomenon coopted as a prescriptive social dogma, by the successful as an excuse for their ruthlessness.
Survivalism: n.:
a doctrine of "I've got mine — the rest of you are fair game;" sort
of a traditional Babbitt-esque Republicanism reduced to its lowest form.
Survivalist: n.:
one whose self-styled military and self-sufficiency skills assure
him that he will be one of the survivors of a cataclysm, while they
reassure us that he won't.
Swashbuckling: adj.:
flamboyantly or irresponsibly combative, as American foreign policy in the 80's.
Swearing: n.:
pyrotechnic, self-illuminating language.
It doesn't solve any problems, but it can surely relieve the symptoms.
Sweeps week: n.:
the culminating effort of the TV networks. So called because of
the way they sweep judgement, quality and good taste under the rug.
Sweet: adj.:
cloying.
Sweet reason: n.:
logic that has the desirable property of supporting my beliefs.
Sybaritic: adj.: decorated in the style of the Senate Office Building or a Las Vegas casino.
Sycophancy: n.:
the art of congratulating someone more powerful on how much he is as we should wish to be.
Sycophant: n.:
one who behaves as a fawning dog; the insecure person's fondest friend.
Applicant for appointive office.
Syllable: n.:
element of a word. More than two in a given word leads to confusion.
Syllogism: n.:
a method in formal logic consisting of a major presumption, a minor presumption and a forgone conclusion.
Symmetry: n.:
fancy word for "everything's got to balance."
Symptom: n.:
what we treat when it would require an effort to remove the disease.
Syncopation: n.:
poetry in the language of rhythm.
Syncretist: n.:
one who dulls the edges of oxymorons and unravels paradoxes.
Syndicate: n.:
a association of businesses or businessmen convoked for the
purpose of acting like a Prohibition-era gang.
Syndrome: n.:
medical term meaning "we can't identify a cause for why you're ill."
Synopsis: n.:
a condensation that retains the important points.
A good synopsis bears the same relation to its original that a cup
of stock bears to the chicken: it retains the essential character
while sacrificing the texture.
Syphilis: n.:
Montezuma's Real Revenge.