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Macchiavellian: adj.:
describing a set of principles which explain why we should "put not our trust in princes."

Machismo: n.:
the game of "my balls are bigger than yours" with the pants left on.
Basically a game of bluff.

Madam: n.:
she for whom the belles toil.

Madison Avenue: proper name:
purveyor of T&A to the masses of America; exporters to the world.

Madison Avenue: adj.:
smarmy; insipid and in questionable taste.

Maddening: adj.:
having the emotional impact of a teenager, a do-gooder, or a reformed smoker.

Madness: n.:
a state often confused with genius by those who have neither.
Some are born mad, some achieve madness, some have madness thrust upon them.

Magic: n.:

  1. since Clarke, any sufficiently advanced technology.
  2. really well-done sleight of hand, as "working magic with the new budget bill."
  3. a belief system fostered by ingrained laziness.
    We go to a witch to get a love philtre so that maid on the next farm will fall in love with us, and we won't have to do the hard things, like improve our breath, wash the manure from beneath our nails, bathe . . . .
    This same attitude pervades modern management: they believe that if they pay a consultant, put up a few posters, hold a couple of pep rallies and say a few magic buzzwords, their business will suddenly turn around and become successful without their having to do the hard work of changing the habits and management styles that created the trouble in the first place.

Maiden: n.:
a woman who has never been with child; often confused with virgin: a woman who has never tried to become with child.

Mainline: adj.:
right-wing recasting of "mainstream."

Mainline: v.t.:
inject (illegal) drugs directly into the bloodstream to create instant gratification and maximum addictive effect.

Mainstream: n.:
where all the political pressure groups claim to stand.

Mainstream: v.t.:

  1. create a population of largely ineducable students who cost ten times as much per capita to house as the youth around them cost to educate.
  2. remove mentally ill people from the surroundings where they can get care and therapy and transfer the financial responsibility for them from the state to private agencies.
  3. Make homeless.

Majority: n.:
a term with multiple magical meanings in politics and the law:

  1. the authority for a segment of a group to impose their will on the remainder, so long as they outnumber them.
    This practice seems to be derived from the traditional principle "God is on the side with the bigger battalions."
  2. the date on which a child becomes an adult, thereby gaining the right to be drafted, to become liable in contracts, to buy tobacco or to vote, but not to drink.

Make one see reason: n.:
bully, browbeat or brainwash until they suscribe to my point of view.

Male: adj.:
privileged, pampered, violent, chauvinistic, blameworthy.

Malfeasance: n.:
action in office, improperly taken for personal gain.
Which is to say, nearly any official action.

Malpractice: n.:
action by a licensed professional that does not meet the expectations of the client — or, more to the point, of the client's lawyer.

Mammon: proper name:
ancient name for Dow Jones.

Mammon fodder: n.:
blood offering to the God of the MBA; generally offered up on the Altar of Short-Term Profits.
The ritual sacrifice is traditionally referred to a "downsizing" or "rightsizing" or a similar euphemism.

Manage: v.t.:
once, to provide leadership and direction to an enterprise;
now, to attend meetings, draft budgets and be late with performance reviews.

Managed trade: n.:
a market where there are sheriffs to curtail some of the activities of the robber barons.

Management: n.:
the petty aristocracy in the kingdom of Industry.

Manager: n.:
all too often, one who has confused the worth of valuable contribution with that which is merely expensive.

Mandate: n.:
an electoral plurality used as an excuse for imposing an ideology.

Manipulation: n.:
the technique by which my opponent cynically plays on the fears and ignorance of the populace to trick them into supporting something I don't approve of.

Manners: n.:
rituals for polite behavior; recorded and offered up in lieu of courtesy, which can only be taught by example.

Manslaughter: n.:
murder without intent, i.e., mindless violence.

Manure: n.:
natural fertilizer; hence the custom of refering to the "fertile imagination" of the popular writer, filmmaker, artist, etc.

March: n.:
special-interest parade, especially if not associated with a major holiday.

March Hare: proper name:
cultural icon who evolved into the Easter Bunny.

Marijuana: n.:
a remarkable herb which has the ability to impair the mental functioning of those who campaign against its use.

Marionberry jam: n.:
a condiment much prized by the media of Washington, D.C.
Please note, however, that no jar should be considered authentic unless it has a little crack.

Market: v.t.:
misrepresent, in hopes of attracting a larger audience.
The larger audience, of course, offers more pockets to pick.

Marketplace: n.:
from the left, the locus of greed, wickedness and impropriety;
from the right, the appropriate arena for the endorsement of the values I agree with.

Marriage: n.:
the headstone of modern society.
According to Bierce, "The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two."
The anodyne to the tribulation of libido.

Marshmallow: n.:
a confection noted for its consistency, the firmness of which evokes memories of American foreign policy.

Martian: n.:
the only language in which it is possible accurately to describe human emotion. Not spoken by humans.

Martyr: n.:
one who has deemed survival of my group to be of greater worth than survival of his individual; one who has shown the last full measure of his devotion to my cause.
If his action is not in support of my cause, he is not a martyr, but rather a fanatic, zealot or brainwashed dupe.

Marx: n.:

  1. Karl, the prophet of Communism, of which Lenin was the messiah.
  2. a family (Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Zeppo, Gummo) of comedians much revered by teenagers of the '30s and college students of the '60s.
  3. a manufacturer of toys and electric trains, especially during the Depression and War years.

Marxism: n.:
a pipe-dream social system that believed that the proper function of the State was to work itself out of a job.

Masses: n.:
Marx's term for the labor force. Also "John Q. Public," hoi polloi, "the great unwashed." This last may account for Marxism's relative success in France.

Master: n.:

  1. obsolete honorific for a boy, changing to Mister on his majority or marriage, whichever came first.
  2. the one who delegates the blame when things go wrong.

Master: adj.:
having overweening authority, as master key.

Master: v.t.:
to gain a minimal competence at, as to master the guitar.

Masturbation: n.:
self-love brought to the physical arena; safest sex, free from risk of disease or pregnancy; giving yourself a helping hand.
The only established danger is to the career aspirations of Surgeons General who publicly recognize it as a valid part of sexuality, though, as is the case with most sexual issues, public display is strongly discouraged.

Matador: n.:
the most politically incorrect of Hemingway's sportsmen.

Mathematics: n.:
the hardest of the "hard sciences."
Traditionally, mathematicians have taken pride in the assertion that their work has no practical value or application. In recent times, statisticians and pollsters have come along to do the mathematicians proud.

Mature: adj.:
acting in a way that I approve of.

Mature: v.i.:
experience adulteration of the spirit.

Maturity: n.:
a character trait attributed to children and authority figures.
The children seem to lose it at about age 5, not to regain it until their children have 5-year-olds of their own. The attribution to authority figures is a courtesy representing yet another triumph of hope over experience.

Mausoleum: n.:
condominium for the afterlife.

Maxim: n.:
a helping of wisdom small and sweetened enough to be swallowed and digested at one sitting.

MBA: n.:
the badge of the enemy, to technical types at least, in the war to improve competitiveness.

Measure: n.:
assign such numbers to as will advance my position.

Mechanics: n.:
a code word that physicists use to tell you that you're not going to like it:

Media representative: n.:

  1. a reporter who has better name recognition than the subject they're interviewing.
  2. a reporter putting on airs.

Mediator: n.:
one who has parlayed a knack for getting caught in the middle into a high-status profession.

Medieval: adj.:
reminiscent of the times when the Church reigned supreme.

Medium: adj.:
not very good, not really bad. Plural media; reference news media, print media and now multimedia.

Medicine: n.:
that profession which, in treating those who are rich and healthy, strives to alleviate both conditions.

Meditation: n.:
masturbation of the mind.

Meek: adj.:
appointed to inherit the earth.
The way things have been going, this translates to "like a cockroach." This may account for the manners of many of the social groups that claim meekness (or the prophesied inheritance) for themselves.

Megalomania: n.:
an offensive form of insanity which leads the victim to think he's better than I am.

Mein Kampf: book title:
Contract With Germany.

Mein Kemp: book title:
the story of a running mate.

Melancholic: adj.:
variant of "melon-colic", the emotional state of a husband after enduring a "Honey, do" weekend.

Melancholy: n.:
emotional state famous for its effect on babies and Danes.

Melting pot: n.:
the all-purpose American metaphor.
To the conservative, the cupel that refines the noble metal from the dross;
to the liberal, the crucible wherein we improve the base metal by alloying.

Member: n.:
anglicized membrum virile: penis;
hence, the frequent reference to "the Honorable Member" in parliamentary debate.
This also accounts for Death and Dismemberment being seen as equivalent.

Memory: n.:
recollection of past events, as filtered through our desires, prejudices and experiences; the closest most of us get to composing fiction in our everyday lives.

Mens sana in corpore sano: phrase:
Roman for glass ceiling: "the men's sauna is the corporate sauna" (women need not apply).

Mental: adj.:
this word comes to us from the Latin from two different directions: mens, mind and mentum, chin. This may explain why some people seem to think they look smarter by walking around with their chins up in the air.
Anyone whose mind is such as to prompt him to lead with his chin is not leading from strength.

Mentally incompetent: adj phrase:
having demonstrated a dangerous propensity for coming to conclusions or expressing convictions at odds with my own.

Mercenary: n.:
one who has the temerity to charge me for doing what I would have him do.

Merchants of Death: noun phrase:
medieval version of the military-industrial complex.

Mercury: n.:

  1. a liquid metal commonly enclosed in glass tubes for measuring heat;
    hence, the heated dispositions of those affected by it.
  2. the Roman patron deity of florists.

Mercy: n.:
an exclamation of dismay.

Message: n.:
the hidden meaning an action, especially an official action, but only the meaning that I want conveyed.
"We must send a message to ___ with this legislation."
"Repealing this law would send the wrong message . . . ."

Meta-analysis: n.:
an activity that seeks to inject meaning retroactively into the published results of experiments. The purpose seems to be to allow publication without undergoing the tedium of running one's own experiments.

Metamorphosis: n.:
one verse of a poem by Ovid, a Roman poet named after eggs.

Metaphor: n.:

  1. smokescreen.
    Metaphors are conventionally used to disguise the fact that we do not understand something well enough to explain it accurately. When someone characterizes their presentation as a "metaphor for ___," look very closely for the man behind the curtain.
  2. the recreational aspect of language.
  3. the primary method by which a language grows.

Metempsychosis: n.:
not a very large psychosis, not a really small psychosis, just a metempsychosis.

Micromanage: v.t.:
interfere with the operation of; specify the solution down to the finest detail, without having any understanding of the problem.
Predominant activity of Congress and of many managers.

Mid-East policy: myth:
"Don't tread on me! Oh! Well, don't do it again. Oh! . . ." ad nauseam and, seemingly, ad infinitum.
The traditional animosities in the Mid-East force a delicate balancing act between the pro-Jewish voting and contributing blocs on the one hand and the oil reserves and the money they create on the other.

Middle age: n.:
that awkward intermediate stage between the bitter cynicism of the young and the weary cynicism of the old.

Middle class: n.:
the touchstone of American politics; the grouping that everyone but the very rich and the welfare cheats is supposed to belong to.
Originally based on profession and social status, it is now used almost exclusively as an indicator of income: to the Republicans, $50,000 to $500,000 per year; to the Democrats, $10,000 to $100,000 per year.

Might: n.:
the raw material of right.

Militant: adj.:
aspiring to the violence of the Army, but not to the discipline.

Military: n.:
the next-to-last refuge of the scoundrel.
Which explains why so many politicians are retired military personnel.

Military: adj.:
a term used broadly for generating oxymorons, as: military intelligence, military preparedness, military justice. . . .

Militia: n.:
irregular military.
A well-regulated militia is necessary to the security of a free state;
an unregulated militia is central to the insecurity of a political state.

Mind: v.i.:
be obedient or attentive; hence the phrase "Never mind" being so common in child rearing today.

Mind: n.:
the skeleton which gives form to the emotional flesh of the soul.

Mindset: n.:
a marvelous double metaphor for the evolution of opinion:

  1. decline, as in sunset;
  2. congeal, as in the stiffening of concrete.

Minimum wage: n.:
the line that separates employment from slavery.

Miracle: n.:
an outcome I didn't expect but approve of anyway.

Miraculous: adj.:
the result of hard work, planning and preparation that I would have been unable or unwilling to perform; as a racing driver's "miraculous" survival of a crash, or an athlete's "miraculous" performance after returning from an injury.

Mirror: n.:
flame to the moth of Vanity.

Miscegenation: n.:
the final homage to the dictum "variety is the spice of life." Laws forbidding miscegenation have been common in Christian nations; their only positive value would be that they enable hybrid vigor in the products of their violation; the presence of such laws only encourages violation.

Misery: n.:
subjugating pain, that causes us to seek out companions to help carry the burden.

Mistaken identity: n.:
the cops didn't do their homework: penalize the victim.

Misunderstanding: n.:
the mother of Conflict.

Mixed message: n.:
a very common source of confusion.

Mob: n.:
a group of people gathered for the purpose of practicing non-constitutional democracy.
The effective intelligence and self control of a mob are inversely proportional to the number involved.

Model: v.t.:
to construct a condensed and simplified depiction of an interesting phenomenon, which, while it will not act like the original, will be prettier to look at.

Model: n.:

  1. an individual chosen to represent a portion of the populace, but be prettier to look at.
  2. a depiction of things the way we think they should be.

Moderation: n.:
abstention; abolition.
Heinlein advocates "To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks."

Modern: adj.:
having given up or rejected traditional values.

Modest: adj.:

  1. inadequate.
  2. prudish.

Modesty: n.:
a trait in which those around us are much deficient, compared to ourselves.

Mohel: n.:
hieratic surgeon who takes tips.

Molasses: n.:
derrieres of small, burrowing insectivores.

Monarchy: n.:
rule by one; so long as that one has a really large army to command.

Money: n.:
principal object of worship in all the civilized nations.
the vitamin that empowers good behavior, for as Twain noted, "the lack of money is the root of all evil."

"Money can't buy happiness": myth:
a philosophy espoused primarily by people who want you to make them happy by giving them your money.

Monitoring: gerund:
the euphemistic description of an employer spying on his employees.
The current practice, pervasive and invasive, represents the ultimate triumph of the Reagan years: they have privatized Big Brother.

Moral: adj.:

  1. pandering to my fears, neuroses and prejudices.
    Especially applied to sexual matters, so that profiteering would be moral, while a premarital affair would not.
  2. furthering my political goals, especially if it can be done outside the public eye.

Moral crisis: n.:
acceptance of any morality other than my own.

Moral high ground: n.:
the vantage held by my side, or, more likely, by the side with the bigger battalions.

Moral suasion: n.:
threats and bribery, dressed up in diplomatic language.

Morale: n.:
a valuable asset, easily spent and exhausted.
The difference between a team and a committee.
A popular sign in industry says "The beatings will stop as soon as morale improves."

Morality: n.:

  1. if it feels good, don't do it.
  2. a set of rules for others to live by.
  3. the conviction that those who do not bind their behavior to your standards do not, and should not, have rights.

Morals: n.:
the rules and standards of behavior by which you are to conduct your private life.
Alley cats, wolves and sharks are traditionally unencumbered; so are lawyers, salesmen and legislators.

Mortal: adj.:
not God, no matter what the title on the door says.

Mortician: n.:
bier baron.

Mosquito: n.:
an annoying, noisy little bloodsucker without a law degree.

Moth: n.:
butterfly of the evening.

Motherhood: n.:

  1. the sacrosanct powder with which the population bomb is loaded.
  2. nocturnal lepidoptery.

Mouse: n.:
apprentice rat.

Mouth: n.:
custom foot holder.

Mouth-to-mouth: adv.:
one of a series: meet eye-to-eye; confront nose-to-nose; fight hand-to-hand; negotiate mouth-to-mouth.

Mrs. Grundy: proper name:
arch proponent of the philosophy "no nudes is good nudes."
Reputed to be a personal friend of Jesse Helms.
Believed to have moved from Boston to Peoria sometime in the 60s.

Mud wrestling: n.:
a spectator sport popular because of its similarity to wet T-shirt contests or political campaigning.

Mudslinger: n.:
as the gunslinger was to the range wars of the Old West, the mudslinger is to the campaigns of the New Age.

Mugging: n.:
private-sector equivalent of an IRS hearing.

Mugger: n.:

  1. face dancer.
  2. dancer on other peoples' faces.

Multinational: adj.:
owning the allegiance of more than one national government.

Muppet: proper name:
the only media icon of the second half of the Twentieth Century that a concientious parent would want their child to emulate.

Murder: v.t.:
to cause a death I disapprove of;
to kill without sanction from state or military authority.

Murder: n.:
homicide, absent the authorization of me, of my social group, of my church, or of some state which I deign to recognize.

Murphy's Law: n.:
"If there are two ways to do something and one of them is wrong, someone will do it the wrong way."
Amazingly, Murphy was not a political commentator.

Museum: n.:
municipal display-case; the center for art and science for the many.

Music: n.:
the language spoken at home by Erato, Calliope, Polymnia and their sisters.

Musical score: n.:

  1. purchase at a Grateful Dead concert.
  2. see the "Bolero" sequence in the movie "10".

Mutually Assured Deterrence: n.:
a public policy excellently characterized by its acronym.

Myopia: n.:
the inability to see detail beyond the end of one's nose. A common and apt metaphor for the planning ability of business executives, economists and politicians.
The condition can be fostered by peering too close to things, as, for example, when one's nose is in someone else's business too often.

Mystery: n.:
a phenomenon whose relationships have not yet advertised themselves to me.

Mythology: n.:
your body of lore in support of religious philosophy, vs. my divine revelation, his baseless superstition.

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