Labor: n.:

1. the loyal opposition to Management in the government of Industry.
   
2. the hard-work part of making babies.

A young mother to be, worried about labor pain, asked her mother for a description.
"Take your lower lip with both hands and pinch it as hard as you can."
The daughter did this and said "Well, that's not too bad. I think I can take that."
Her mother nodded and said "Do it again.
Now, stretch it over your head and staple it to the back of your neck."

Labor-saving: adj.:
capital-expending.

Lag: v.i.:
be slow, as, for example, the government in implementing promised tax reductions.

Laissez faire: n.:
French for license to steal.

Lampoon: n.:
satire in baggy pants.

Landslide victory: n.:
any win by my side that did not require a recount. Though, the way modern campaigns are run, mudslide would be a more appropriate term.

Language: n.:
the principal barrier to communication.

Laocoön: proper name:
a Greek who, with his sons, got involved with the Attic version of red tape.

Larceny: n.:
the motivating force of Commerce.
It comes in 3 major categories:

1. petty larceny, the theft of items of small value,
   
2. grand larceny, theft measured in $1000 increments, and
   
3. Gary Larson-y, theft of cows.

Lares and penates: n.:
Roman entities who fulfilled the functions now performed by the dog, the automobile and the television set.

Laryngitis: proper name:
famous Greek adventurer, noted for his breathy, raspy voice.

Laughter: n.:
the most socially acceptable excuse for bad manners.

Law: n.:

1. the body of rules that the elite have established for the rest of us to live by.
   
2. the profession dedicated to circumvention of the body of rules . . . .

Law and Order: n. phrase:

1. a political movement that co-opts the press to create an anti-crime hysteria in order to justify institution of restrictive laws and centralization of power.
   
2. a governing philosophy: "I lay down the Law to keep you in Order."

"The law is an ass": maxim:
a popular misapprehension, probably originated from watching those who practice law.

Lawsuit: n.:
America's favorite participation sport to be played out in public. It seems to be the aspiration of half the nation to become a professional.

Lawyer: n.:

1. a common misspelling; cf. LIAR.
   
2. one trained in circumvention of the Law.
   Ambrose Bierce defined lawyer as "one skilled in circumvention of the law." Observation would indicate that skill is not a prerequisite.

1. lawyers breed faster;
   
2. laboratory personnel are less likely to form emotional attachments to lawyers;
   
3. even using threats and bribery, there are some things you just can't get a rat to do.

Lay: n.:
lie. Except when someone is sent out to "get the lay of the land."

Lazy: adj.:
disinclined to perform unnecessary work and disagreeing with me as to what work is necessary.

Leader: n.:
one whose reputation for kindness, generosity and trustworthiness is such that no one wants to have him behind them; hence, the position out front.

Leadership: n.:
the art of being a hindrance such that everyone is held up behind you.
A definitive characteristic of renowned executives.
A trait commonly claimed by politicians running for office.

Learn from another's mistakes: phrase:
a rare talent, occasionally found among those who also exhibit common sense.
What we usually learn from others' mistakes is how to make them for ourselves.

Lebensraum: n.:
German for "elbow room." The Germans have notoriously expansive elbows.
At one time, spelled "Sudetenland."

Lecture: n.:

1. secular sermon;
   If you can't teach it, preach it, then you can say you've done your duty.
   
2. The collegiate antidote to the problem of insomnia.

Leech: n.:
a bloodsucking worm.
Unlike the politician and lawyer, who share this definition, a leech may occasionally be of utility, in medicine.

Left: adj.:
opposite of right: to the conservative, wrong.

Left lane: n.:
that portion of the highway inhabited by the pickup, the luxury car, the motor home and the talker-on-cellular-phone.

Leg: n.:
a functional portion of the anatomy which women's fashions expose in direct proportion to the general health of the economy.

Legal: adj.:
permissible to the powers-that-be.

Legalese: n.:
a dialect carefully constructed so as to obfuscate and make ambiguous the laws under which we are required to live; the secret jargon of an elitist conspiracy to isolate the man in the street from the seats of power, and to separate him from as much as is feasible of his wealth.

Legally competent: adj phrase:
a term in the body of law used to refer to the mental capacity of someone other than a lawyer.

Legally defensible: adj phrase:

1. wealthy;
   
2. potentially profitable;
   
3. politically well connected.

Legally responsible: adj phrase:

1. not an attorney;
   
2. not the client of a media-successful attorney;
   
3. not a member of a media-effective minority.

Legend: n.:
secular myth.
Usually about events or persons of long ago, hence the importance of "a legend in his own time" as an accolade.
A "legend in his own mind," the kind we most often see these days, is merely someone who thinks he's fabulous. Given that a fable is, traditionally, a story with a moral, he's usually not quite on target.

Legerdemain: n.:
a campaign statement or a lawyer's summation speech.

Legislated Morality: oxymoron:
what Congress offers us in lieu of moral legislators.

Legislature: n.:
an assemblage, mostly of lawyers, which sits for the purpose of promulgating laws which are so formulated as to ensure full employment for lawyers.
A puppet show, wherein the peformers rant and posture in response to the operation of their controlling strings by the owners of those strings (and puppets) or their appointed lobbyists.

Legitimate: adj.:
complying with that portion of the law with which I am in agreement.

Lei: n.:
the traditional greeting offered a visitor to the Pacific Islands; homonymous to the desired greeting of the bulk of the visitors.

Leisure: n.:
the class of activity that the Industrial Revolution, then the Atomic Age, then the Information Revolution, was supposed to make available to the Common Man. Another broken promise of things to come.

Lemming: n.:
a small Arctic rodent whose social patterns recall those of the party faithful or the truly devout.

Leper: n.:
one who elicits the same degree of acceptance and tolerance as a Liberal in the 104th Congress.

Lepidoptera: n.:
the order of insects whose adults are the prettiest and whose children are the most voracious, sort of a six-legged Jet Set.

Lesbian: n.:
a woman who carries a belief in the maxim "the best man for the job is a woman" into her private life.

Lese majeste: n.:
an offence against the wearer of the crown, as contrasted with treason, which is an offence against the office of the crown.

Less: n.:
more, as written in Green ink.

Lesser: n.:
hopefully, the one of the evils who actually got elected.

Let's Make A Deal: proper name:
the official game show of Capitol Hill; the lobbyist's motto.

Lethe: proper name:
the branch from which politicians swig to soothe their throats, when they tire from making campaign promises.

Level playing-field: n.:
one tilted my way.
The stated goal of trade negotiators (not to be confused with the actual goals of trade negotiators.)

Lever: n.:
Archimedes' world mover, lacking only its fulcrum to be functional.

Leveraged buyout: n.:
a form of corporate piracy wherein the plunder is the ammunition used in the attack.

Lewd: adj.:
showing more skin than I have the nerve (or body) to.

Lexicon: n.:
high-status dictionary.

Lexicographer: n.:
one who lays down the law in words.

Liability: n.:

1. anything serving as a handicap, burden or, especially before the law, expense: e.g., the Administration record, to a Vice President running for President.
   
2. the legal profession's substitute for responsibility.

Liaison: n.:
an illicit affair. Note the presence of many "liaison officers" in any diplomatic embassy; is this the origin of the expression "foreign affairs?"

Libel: n.:
reportage a la tabloid.

Liberal: n.:

1. one who believes any problem can be solved by drowning it in dollars -- a few of his and a lot of everyone else's.
   
2. a former conservative, after his arrest.
   
3. one who believes any criminal can be rehabilitated, except an ex-Nazi or KKK member.
   
4. one who believes in freedom of speech as long as it doesn't offend anyone he feels guilty toward.
   
5. one guilty of crimes of compassion, to the eyes of the conservative.

Liberal Arts: n.:
a field of study that enables one to get a college degree without having to be able to do math.

Liberal arts education: n.:
a term that, to the degree that it's not an oxymoron, refers to a program of college attendance focussed on the fields which emphasize argument over experiment and proof by assertion and obfuscation over proof by demonstration or analysis.

Liberal court: n.:
one which declines to impose as a legal obligation behaviors dictated by the spokesmen of the most conservative and repressive religious groups, limits the discretionary use of power by police agencies, or which imposes any punishment less than the most severe possible for any blue-collar, especially drug-related, crime.

Liberation: n.:
ritualized change of masters, usually by violence.

Libertine: n.:
a rascal who dares to enjoy his life more than I do mine.

Liberty: n.:

1. the First Lady of New York City.
   
2. license.

Library: n.:
an institution which has evolved from being the repository of the knowledge of a society to being a mausoleum for the forgotten ideas of prior generations — and the free point of entry to the Internet.

License: v.t.:
to sell a permit for the exercise of a liberty.

License: n.:
lewd conduct.

License to kill: n.:
drinking-driver's license.

Lie: n.:
the normal content of an advertisement, political speech or promise.

Lie: v.i.:
hide the truth.

There are three major ways to lie:

1. tell an untruth, or deny the truth;
   
2. tell a partial truth in such a way as to lead to a false conclusion;
   
3. tell the truth in such a way as to cause it to be disbelieved. ---Nero Wolfe

Lie, cheat and steal: phrase:
the Holy Trinity of the professions of Law and Politics.

Life: n.:
that brief, often painful, interlude between oblivion and eternity; excrement of the Gods.

Life insurance: n.:
a game where you bet the underwriter that you won't live as long as he thinks you will. If you win, you can't collect.

Limbo: n.:

1. Oblivion, the land of the oblivious. The place to which things of no value are relegated.
   
2. the suburb of Hell where unbaptized souls are sent.

Linen: n.:
bedding or towels, made of cotton or polyester.

Lion: n.:

1. a large African cat whose normal posture is homonymous with his name.
   
2. the creature who taught the IRS how to share.

Lion's share: n.:
popularly, most;
originally, all;
practically, as much as he wants.

Literati: n.:
people who value literacy, but not numeracy, logic or duty; self-appointed arbiters of fashion, taste and style.

Literature: n.:
body of writing.
The soul is of course, poetry.

Litigation: n:
the American national pastime.
One of the immediate causes of the American Revolution was the imposition of the Stamp Act, which primarily acted to impose a fee on the filing of lawsuits. This, of course, could not be borne.

Litter: n.:
the excrement of Economy.

"Live and learn": motto:
good advice if you plan on living very long.

Loaf: v.i.:
pursue the vocation of a brother-in-law.

Loan: n.:
all-purpose tool, good for creating alienation, destroying friendships, dismembering budgets, collapsing economies.

Lobby: n.:
the entry to a building, wherein the public can be detained to prevent their becoming involved in the conduct of the work going on inside.

Lobby: v.i.:
provide social welfare for employed legislators.

Lobbyist: n.:
oilcan to the machinery of government.
A lobbyist pays politicians to get them to make up their minds about how to make up their minds.

Lock: n.:
a device to help honest people stay honest.

Logarithm: n.:
the agency that allows adders to multiply.

Logic: n.:
a train of successive conclusions that leads to what I knew all along.

Logistic: adj.:

1. pertaining to logic.
   
2. pertaining to the transport and supply of the military.
   

Logorrhea: n.:

1. sitting and racing the mouth without engaging the brain.
   
2. Filibuster.

Logrolling: n.:
how the business of Congress gets moved when contributors haven't greased the ways adequately.

Logy: adj.:

1. as a stand-alone word: heavy, dull, slow;
   
2. as a suffix: science or study of.
   Origin is related to the response of students to the presentation of science in the lecture hall.

Londonderry Air: n.:
tear gas.

Long arm of the law: phrase:
a traditional term left over from the days when most lawmen lived either in barracks or boarding houses.

Loose: v.t.:
lose.

Loose: adj.:
the nature of the morals of anyone more successful in the dating game than I.

Loser: n.:
the kind of guy who could strike out at a womens' prison with a briefcase full of pardons.

Loser pays: adj.:
a legal policy designed to screw the victim, since she's shown she can't fight back effectively, anyway.

Loss: n.:

1. equal and opposite reaction to profit.
   
2. The emotion that is with us each and every day of our lives.

Lot: proper name:
an Old Testament hero, noted for escaping from the destruction of Sodom by sucking up to a couple of high-status religious visiting firemen.

Lott: proper name:
high-status legislator who cements his position by sucking up to Old-Testamentarian religious power brokers.

Lottery: n.:

1. legal numbers racket, usually with a payoff percentage a lot lower than anyone would tolerate in an illegal game.
   
2. the only tax paid by volunteers.
   
3. a tax on innumeracy.

Love: n.:

1. an institutionalized neurosis whereby we rationalize our desire to meddle in the lives of others.
   
2. the embers of passion.

Love: v.t.:
own.
As in "I love you. Take good care of yourself; you belong to me."

Love thy neighbor: credo:
lifestyle of suburbia in the 60's.

Lowest Common Denominator: n.:
quality standard for prime-time programming.

Luck: n.:
chance, when it grants us something we think we want.

Lucky dog: n.:
someone whom chance has handed something I desired.

Luddites: n.:
nineteenth century precursor of the Trial Lawyers Association.
The Luddites destroyed machinery with sledges and explosives to protect their jobs; the lawyers destroy industries with writ and judgment to enhance their incomes.

Lung: n.:
a mechanism thoughtfully provided by a benevolent Nature to remove pollutants from the air.

Lust: n.:
that emotion that adds luster to life;
the stuff daydreams are made of.

Luxury: n.:
one of the items that comes first in the typical budget.

Lynch: v.t.:
enforce order without benefit of law.

Lynch: proper name:
the most widely emulated jurist in American history.