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Babble: v.i.:
speak on the floor of the House.

Babel: proper name:
site of the original cocktail party.

Backstab: v.t.:
prepare for advancement within or into executive ranks.

Backward nation: n.:
one which has not yet elected to take significant portions of its arable land and convert them to golf courses.

Bad: adj.:

  1. I don't like it.
  2. disobedient.
  3. good.
    Freud would have been proud. . . .

Bad rap: n. phrase:
an old bit of underworld jargon upgraded to the status of tautology by a host of hip-hoppers.

"Badges? We don't need no stinking badges.": quote:
motto of the no-knock narcs.

Bail: n.:
(refundable) price of your "get out of jail" card.

Bailey: adj.:
pertaining to getting criminals released by the expenditure of money.

Bailey: n.:
the most successful variety of Beetle.

Baksheesh: n.:
a user fee extracted at the point of use by the appropriate governing official. Often misunderstood by Westerners and misinterpreted as graft.

Balanced budget: n.:

Balanced Budget Amendment: n.:
the ultimate expression of the debunked belief that it is possible to instill discipline by legislative fiat; sort of a shot of anabolic steroids for the body politic. One is somehow reminded of those Swiss monkey-gland clinics.

Bald: adj.:
inclined to complain about kids' wearing their hair too long.

Bald Men's Association: n.:
the "Just say no to rugs" organization.

Balderdash: n.:
criticism, by a stranger.

Ball: n.:
a formal party.

Ball: v.i.:
have an intimate, informal party.

Ballot: n.:
pacifier to the body politic.

Ballroom: adj.:
a style of dancing which requires that trousers not be excessively tight.

Balls: n.:
equipment necessary for participation in most outdoor sports.

Ban: v.t.:
encourage; as the Congress, the rights of the citizen.

Banana: acronym:
Build Almost Nothing Anywhere Near Anything; the imago of the Nimby, frequently aged by fermentation with Saccharomyces cerevisiae, especially the Chardonnay variety.

Band-aid: n.:

  1. a method for quickly and superficially treating a symptom while leaving the underlying problem to take care of itself.
  2. a cosmetic fix or coverup.
The term is derived from a registered trade name of a product that did its job so well that consumers couldn't think of any other term to use to refer to its competitors.

Bandwagon: n.:
would-be juggernaut; usually powered by attachment to the coattails of a popular candidate; generally quick in the mud.

Bar: n.:
a fixture over which justice is dispensed -- or liquor.

Barleycorn, John: proper name:
an avatar of Demon Rum. Friend of Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, and some foreign guy named Johnnie Walker.

Barratry: n.:
an endemic disease of the legal profession. It may be observed at any plane crash, train wreck or chemical spill.
For several months Bhopal, India was the barratry capitol of the world.
Barratry is nominally illegal in many jurisdictions, but the laws are not enforced for fear of causing collapse in the markets for BMWs, 4-wheel-drive sport-utility vehicles and time-share condominiums.
Besides, who would enforce it, lawyers?

Basque: n.:
a language too difficult for even the Devil to learn; sort of like C++, only with rhymes and useful nouns.

Bawdy: adj.:
of, or pertaining to, the natural functioning of the homonymous "body."

Bear: n.:
large, aggressive, rapacious omnivore; metaphor for those who believe that the stock market will crash.

Bear: v.t.:
to carry, especially an overwhelming or insupportable burden, such as the cross that the Christian Right have deeded to us.

Bear market: n.:
Wall Street activity which tends to create among Streeters the gentle and even-tempered demeanor of its namesake.

Beautiful People: n.:
people with money with whom the reporter wishes to curry favor.

Beauty: n.:
a property which things I like have and things I dislike lack.

Bebop: n.:
the first major non-Classical form to set musicality ahead of the music.

Beef: n.:
complaint, grievance.
A veiled reference to the quality of cowmeat served in, especially fast-food, restaurants.

Beefeater: proper name:
a British endangered species.

Beelzebub: proper(?) name:
ancient holder of the title "Lord of the Flies." More recently this title would have devolved on Levi Strauss and most recently on Calvin Klein.

Beer: n.:
Mankind's oldest synthetic medicine; amber bonding agent; elixir of conquest; quicker icebreaker.

Beetle: n.:

  1. appropriate nickname for a lawyer:
  2. the insect responsible for preventing the army ants from taking over the world.
    (Apologies to Mort Walker.)

Beginning of the end: phrase:
end of the beginning.

Behave rationally: v. phrase:
act as I would wish you to.

Behaviorist: n.:
member of psycho-cult whose members are not more complex in action or motivation than pigeons.
In the Nature vs. Nurture conflict, the ultimate Nurturist, which is ironic in consideration of the paucity of nurturing in their child-rearing principles.

Belief: n.:
a drug self-administered to dull the critical faculties.
cf. Faith.

Beltway: n.:
a barrier drawn to separate the interests of the elected from those of the electorate.
Those who work inside the beltway are so out of touch that they consider leaving government office to work in their law firms to be getting back to the real world.

Benedictine: n.:
a marvelous potion which helps to explain the ability of the monastic followers of St Benedict to maintain their vows through those cold medieval winters.

Best: adj.:
my favorite.
American usage: biggest, most garish, most expensive, or having the most effective advertising campaign.

Bias: n.:
a characteristic of any reportage that does not show my side in its best light.

Bidet: n.:
a piece of Continental porcelain that has sown confusion and dismay throughout ranks of American tourists.

Big: adj.:
good.

Bigger: adj.:
better.

Biggest: adj.:
"New and Improved."

Bigot: n.:
one who dislikes groups that I support.

Bilingual education: n.:
a system that ensures that the student is unlikely to become fluent in either of two languages.

Bill of Rights: n.:
an obsolescent addendum to the Constitution, originally placed there by a bunch of radicals who did not believe in the infallibility of either elected or appointed officials, or of their hirelings.
Of the original 10 articles, only one is currently observed without significant qualification: the Third.

Biotechnology: n.:
an engineering discipline with a life of its own.

Bipartisan: adj.:
dumbed-down to the point where it doesn't contain anything terminally offensive to the power structure of either of the major parties.

Birdbrained: adj.:
having an intellectual capacity limited to finding meals and mates and to seeing how much noise one can make; qualified to be a legislator or a lawyer; marginally qualified to be a rock star or talk-show host.

Bishop: n.:
a shepherd whose flock consists of shepherds.

Bismarck: proper name:
historical patron of the culinary arts, after whom were named a herring and a jelly donut.

Bitch: n.:
demeaning term for a woman who behaves in ways of which I do not approve, e.g., belongs to the wrong political party.
Euphemized as "sounds-like-witch."

Bitch: v.i.:
converse in the traditional fashion of American underlings when speaking of their positions and/or of their (organizational) superiors.

"Bite the Bullet": v phrase:
go through an experience that really tightens your jaws.
Commonly used these days in business management, where it refers to budget reductions: the bullets you are to bite are delivered from the muzzle of a gun.

Bitter: adj.:
sour.

Black: adj.:

  1. (British usage) not European.
  2. of the color of night, hence fearsome, unlucky, covert; e.g., young black male, Black Friday, blackout.

Blame: v.t.:
assign guilt, responsibility or liability.
Conservatives like to blame everyone outside their clique for whatever they dislike; liberals believe that no individual should ever be blamed, but only groups, specifically, those groups to which they do not belong.

Blame: n.:
the fuel with which politics, religion and the law are powered.

Blamethrower: n.:
favorite weapon of the guilty and the shameful.

Bland: adj.:
having the character of institutional food: spiceless, salt-free and lacking anything to get your teeth into and enjoy. Like primetime television programming; or the politically correct version of a textbook.

Blandishment: n.:
political promise from the Left.

Blank verse: n.:
bland poetry. A form much affected by poets who lack the vocabulary to find rhymes, or the rhythm to identify meter.

Blasé: adj.:
having developed calluses on the organs of delight.

Blasphemous: adj.:
contrary to my beliefs.

Bleak: adj.:
having all the warm colors bleached out.

Blind: adj.:
showing the penetrating visual acuity of a bar panel overseeing the professional behavior of its member attorneys.

Blind trust: n.:
an instrument we require of our politicos who own stock;
an attitude our politicos require of those of us who don't own enough stock.

Block: v.t.:
obstruct; as block grants to the states to support social programs.

Blockbuster: n.:

  1. the realtor who places the first ethnic-minority family into a white neighborhood.
  2. a show that the critic liked and that filled the house for at least two performances.

Blue: adj.:

  1. the color that a person turns on being deprived of air or warmth.
  2. the traditional color of conservatism, as blue-pencil for censorship, bluenose for prudery, bluestocking for Puritan.
    "Hurrah for the red, white and blue." ( -necked, lily- and -nosed)
  3. the color that provides illumination without warmth.

Blue law: n.:
imposition of the religious institution of Sunday Sabbath on everyone else at the point of a (policeman's) gun. A classic example of the traditional implementation of the principle of separation of church and state. One of the "traditional values that made our nation great."

Blue-collar: adj.:
of a class of jobs that put dirt under the fingernails.
The way to tell the difference between a blue-collar job and a white-collar job is to note the bathroom procedure: a white-collar worker goes into the bathroom, does his business, washes his hands and goes back to work; a blue-collar worker goes into the bathroom, washes his hands, does his business and goes back to work.

Blue-sky: adj.:
referring to an improbable dream.
The term evolved in the environment of the modern city.

Bluenose: n.:
one whose attitude is so lofty as to impede their oxygen supply.

Boarding house: n.:
a place where he who hesitates is last -- and underfed.

Boat: n.:
a ship with low self-esteem.

Body language: n.:
quiet eloquence.
Many people think it's impossible to lie in body language; these people have never watched an actor or actress at work.

Bon mot: n.:
what a snob thinks his sophomoric sarcasm is.

Boo: n.:

  1. a word used by adults or older children to elicit fright reactions from small children.
  2. a word used by hemp users to elicit childish rage reactions from conservatives.

Boob tube: n.:
a traditional term which has taken on a whole new meaning with the advent of T & A programming. Especially note the soaps, teenage dance programs, beauty pageants and the Spanish language channels.

Book: n.:
source of misinformation with higher status than a magazine or newspaper, but less than a journal.
The brick from which libraries are assembled.

Boolean: adj.:
the kind of logic which is used by engineers to manufacture computers.
Not to be confused with the logic used by lawyers to make fortunes: Bull-ean; or that used by governments to make policy: Bully-an.

Boom: v.i.:
what bulls do in the market.

Boomer: n.:
fallout from the Population Explosion.

Boorish: adj.:
exhibiting the same social characteristics as my opponent.

Bootstrap: n.:
self-activated lifting device.

Bootstrap: v.t.:
start (or, much more often, restart) a computer; from "boot", collegiate slang for "vomit", referring to the reaction elicited by the computer's habit of crashing.

Born again: adj phrase:
demonstrating "born yesterday" acuity.

Bottom line: n.:
locus of an MBA's head.

Bounty hunter: n.:
privatised policeman, paid piecework, rather than salary, in order to encourage productivity.

Bowdlerization: n.:
the low-salt version of a literary work.

Brandy: n.:
the refined and condensed soul of the grape.

Bread: n.:

  1. the staff of life;
  2. money.

Break even: v.i.:
snap, leaving a smooth, sharp cutting edge, especially suitable for wrists.

Brevity: n.:
the key ingredient of a successful speech (rare). Given that brevity is the traditional soul of wit, it seems appropriate that most political speeches only qualify as half brief.

Bribe: n.:
rental of a public official.

Bribe: v.t.:
lubricate the machinery of government, especially in petroleum rich countries.

Bridge: n.:

  1. an important source of secular zealotry.
  2. a structure intended to compensate for toothlessness; cf. Bridge to the 21st Century.

Brigand: n.:
occupant of the brig.
Denizen of the highway with morals appropriate to a CEO.

Bright: adj.:
casting enough light for me to be able to discern my reflection.

Brilliant: adj.:
euphemism for mediocre. Commonly used in reference to one's children, or, more frequently, grandchildren. Occasionally used to refer to the boss's ideas.

Brotherly love: n.:
an Old Testament principle, lavishly illustrated with the images of such paragons as Cain and Abel, or Joseph and his brothers.
The proof of the value of such tales is to be seen to this day in such enlightened precincts as Ireland or Lebanon, or around black Christian churches all over the South.

Buchanan: proper name:

  1. a President of the Nineteenth Century
  2. a presidential candidate for the Nineteenth Century .

"The Buck stops here": motto:
truth in government. Unfortunately, the meaning of 'buck' has changed since Harry Truman's time. Now, it's thousands of bucks; inflation, you know.

Budget: n.:
the map we use to plot the course of our journey into debt.

Budget: v.i.:
do without.

Budget analyst: n.:
an important functionary in Business and Government, named in recognition of the source of his numbers.

Bug: v.t.:

  1. irritate
  2. spy on
the culmination of this duality came with the Nixon tapes.

Bug: n.:
distasteful occupant of baseboards, back yards and computer programs. Especially prevalent in the latter, where the commonality has led to a new name for the species: "feature."

Bulimia: proper name:
minor goddess, patron(ess) of weight loss programs.

Bull: n.:
a half-word, applied most often to whips and people who think the stock market will go up.

Bull market: n.:
Wall Street activity, the touting of which should provide copious organic mulch for one's rose garden (which the Street, of course, never promised you.)
The usage reflects the similarities between Wall Street and other markets, such as the neighborhood china shop.

Bullrush: n.:

  1. a word which, mistaken as a phrase, sums up a modern media career.
  2. reinforcement for dittoheads.

Bully: n.:
a term which has evolved from an adjective denoting great import, to a noun indicating a person of great self-importance, or any entity that behaves equally badly.
an individual who behaves as though he thinks himself a government.

Bully pulpit: n.:
any podium, when used by bullies.

Bumblebee: n.:
a housefly designed to MIL-specs.

Bunko: n.:
confidence game; swindle. From the Spanish word for "bank." Perhaps the Savings and Loan is not as modern an institution as we thought.

Bunraku: n.:
Japanese puppetry with no strings attached. Limited to the theater and having no applicability to the Diet.

Burma-Shave: proper name:
the most prolific and successful publisher of popular rhyme during the mid part of the Twentieth Century.

Burp: n.:
onomatopoetic eructation.

Burro: n.:
an ass named for a hole in the ground.

Bus: n.:

  1. politically correct transportation that spews toxic pollution of its own and engenders more from the cars it obstructs in the daily commutes; the most flexible impediment of mass transit.
  2. a group of signal paths in a computer that have a similar effect on the computer signals that the transit vehicle has on commuters.
Bus: v.t.:

Business: n.:
commercial intercourse.

Business as usual: phrase:
give the voters the business; give business the voters — on a platter.

Business of Government: n.:
government of the people, by the bureaus, for the businesses.

Buss: n.:
a friendly, if somewhat ostentatious, gesture between two people, involving the mouth of one person and whatever portion of the anatomy is convenient of the other.

Bust: n.:

  1. image of the head and neck, with a suggestion of the shoulders.
  2. the breast, or in certain periods, the breasts.
  3. an arrest.
  4. total collapse; complement of boom; the favorite food of Wall Street bears.

Butt: n.:
cigarette.
So called for its cleanliness and delicate aroma.

Butter: n.:
a substance valued as a traditional lie detector: it wouldn't melt in your mouth, if you were a politician, salesman or other professional liar.

Butterfly: n.:
Nature's ongoing lesson in balance. In spite of the great damage their caterpillars do, is there anyone who would do away with butterflies?

Buzzword: n.:
camouflage language.
Used to disguise the fact that either the speaker doesn't know what he's talking about or that what he's saying doesn't mean anything.

Byssus: n.:
the mechanism through which a mussel achieves the same sort of relation to the stone as the government has to your pocketbook.

C