Chinese slide rule; the second style of pocket calculator; the origin of digital mathematics.Use of the abacus is the merchant's form of counting one's beads, a traditionally religious action.
Abacus: n.:
Chinese slide rule; the second style of pocket calculator; the origin of digital mathematics.
Use of the abacus is the merchant's form of counting one's beads, a traditionally religious action.
Abase: v.t.:
prepare oneself for a meeting with one's employer, legislator or mother-in-law.
Abdication: n.:
formal confirmation by a sovereign of his proper recognition of his actual fitness to rule.
Ability: n.:
the difference between those who collect accomplishments in their lives and the rest of us, who merely dream of them.
Abnormal: adj.:
different from me; not in accordance with my tastes, whims or prejudices.
Always be careful to observe the distinction between genuinely abnormal and merely unusual.
Abnormal psychology: n.:
a field of study which consists of characterizing and categorizing the emotions, perceptions, etc., of those to whom the student feels superior. The act of feeling superior is not, of course, considered to be abnormal.
Abortion: n.:
heiring-out the recreation room.
The issue of the legality and availability of medical abortion has become the most divisive issue in Christianity since the Reformation. Americans align themselves with the Right-to-Life and the Right-to-Liberty camps and freely apply the old maxim "all's fair in love and war."
The chosen methods demonstrate clearly that it's not love.
Above the law: phrase:
descriptive of any member of the White House staff (especially in "law-and-order" administrations.)
Abscond: v.i.:
exercise power of attorney.
Absence: n.:
the primordial love philtre; anodyne to many a troubled marriage.
Absinthe: n.:
a legendary liqueur that actually had the kind of effects on its consumers that the temperance movement attribute to all kinds of liquor.
Traditional fosterer of alcoholic amory; it is celebrated in the saying "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."
Absolutely: adv.:
approximately.
Absolutism: n.:
the stance we assume in attempting to disguise the fact that we haven't confidence enough in our beliefs to let them stand on their own.
Absurd: adj.:
different from my beliefs.
Abuse: n.:
any pattern of use that I don't approve of; an excuse for hysteria and overreaction.
Various kinds of abuse exist in culture, and some constitute real social problems. The standard reaction of hysterically criminalizing any activity that has elements in common with the abuse, however, rarely accomplishes anything positive toward reducing the problem.
Academe: n.:
fabulous land where the towers are of ivory and the seats are upholstered with sheepskin.
Academic: adj.:
isolated from the real world; irrelevant.
Academic freedom: n.:
an institution that allows professors to teach what is, instead of what is popular; the only barrier that prevents all science being political science.
Accordion: n.:
a musical instrument whose behavior in use emulates the patterns of traffic flow during rush hour.
Accountant: n.:
one who, when asked "how much is 2 + 2 ?" replies "How much do you need it to be?"
Acephalous: adj.:
in the fashion of Irving's Horseman, any of several of Henry VIII's ex-wives, or one of Ko-Ko's clients; the customary state one finds oneself in after an evening of dancing with Mme. Guillotine.
Acerbic: adj.:
the condition of a stable Bosnia.
Acerebral: adj.:
Intellectual, as contrasted with cerebral: intellectual.
ACLU: acronym:
Activists Caring Little for Us. To conservatives, the Atheist Communist Lawyers' Union.
All too often, the only appellant making an effort to forestall imposition of the Tyranny of the Majority.
Acme: n.:
a minority-owned mail-order company in the Southwest, noted for the unvarying quality of its products; patronized by genius coyotes.
Act: v.i.:
to tell something that is not true, without lying.
Action: n.:
the seldom peaceful refuge for those who lack adequate facility at planning; the quietly effective result for those who have no such lack.
Activist: n.:
professional or semi-pro axe-grinder.
Someone who has found a way to get air time without having to accomplish anything worthwhile or newsworthy.
Activity: n.:
mindless substitute for reason or discourse.
Actor: n.:
one who disproves the common wisdom that "you can't lie with body language."
cf. Act.
Actuary: n.:
oddsmaker. Specifically, one who works for the house in the insurance gamble. It's his job to make sure the house doesn't lose.
Acupuncture: n.:
the art of getting needled by your doctor, and liking it.
Ad infinitum: imported phrase:
Ad nauseam: n. phrase:
Adage: n.:
predigested wisdom. Frequently beginning "Confucius say . . . ."
Adam: proper name:
the probable original author of most of your favorite jokes.
Noted brewer of a universally popular, very light-bodied ale.
Adapt: v.t.:
to modify beyond recognition, while retaining the original name.
Addictive: adj.:
a medical property defined by legal declaration or political expediency, so that marijuana and cocaine are declared addictive, while nicotine and caffeine are not.
Additive: n.:
in prepared foods, a substance used for the purpose of making us insensitive to deficiencies of quality.
Adept: adj.:
not visibly clumsy.
Admit: v.t.:
let in, especially against one's will, as the rest of the camel into the tent, following its nose.
When a lawyer gets someone to admit something, he considers he has won a victory.
Theater and other tickets say "Admit one." Considering the size of the bribe it took to get in, they must really not want you there.
Adolescence: n.:
a phase of life wherein the denizens have two primary goals:
Adolescent: n.:
once, an apprentice adult; now, a child with hormones and an attitude.
A male whose eye holds that beauty is in a D-cup.
Adopt: v.t.:
to take as one's own the finished product, without having had to do the work of creation; as Congress adopting the report of a committee.
Steal.
Adult: n.:
the mechanism used by reproductive cells to generate more reproductive cells. Modern medicine has made considerable progress toward disrupting this cycle.
Adulteress: n.:
technical term for a woman who has chosen to act like a man in the arena of marriage observances.
Adultery: n.:
an activity in which adults revel as much as the infants do in their infantry.
Originally, a woman had to be married to participate, but modern liberalization of language has made it a sport accessible to nonmarried women as well.
Adversity: n.:
a tribulation easy to endure, so long as it's someone else's.
Advice and consent: n.phrase:
nitpicking and obstructionism.
Affectation: n.:
the artificial foundation on which society develops its height.
Affection: n.:
the warmth of emotion, in which we may bask. One of those few things in life of which we have more, the more we give away.
Affirmative Action: n.:
the Government visiting the sins of the fathers upon the children.
Affluenza: n.:
the disease of conspicuous consumption.
Aftershock: n.:
credit card statement. The sequel to sticker shock.
Agape: n.:
the emotion of the slack-jawed.
Age of Reason: n.:
middle age. The stage between Youth, when you know everything, and Old Age, when you know what you know, and nobody can tell you any different.
Aggressive: adj.:
pushy. Of the type, "give him an inch and he thinks he's your ruler."
Agnostic: n.:
one who does not claim to have all the answers to religious questions, therefore not a religious person.
Agony: n.:
misery unyoked.
Air Traffic Control: n.:
official Nintendo. A government-issue game of chance.
Airhead: n.:
target for paratroopers.
Alacrity: n.:
the calm, measured rate of response of a sitting legislator to a solicitation by moneyed interests or populous pressure groups.
Alkali: n.:
salt with the tang taken out of it.
Alkaloid: n.:
one of a family of compounds developed by plants to kill insects and give a buzz to people. Several are addictive psychoactive substances, such as nicotine, caffeine, cocaine.
"All the news that's fit to print": motto:
all the news that fits the publisher's prejudices.
"All's fair in love and war": motto:
a misrepresentation promulgated primarily by those who are adept at neither.
Alien: n.:
one from a different time or clime. Generally depicted as being avaricious and voracious (ask Sigourney Weaver), the same attributes that draw us to our leaders but repel us from our neighbors.
Alleged: n.:
a magic word sprinkled freely throughout news reports of crimes and suspects of crimes; intended to ward against libel suits.
Since most newswriters have no idea what the word means, it is used improperly and inaccurately more often than not.
For the record, alleged means stated without proof.
Allegory: n.:
a description of one thing in the guise of another, such as the same old stuff in a new package; kind of like a fable, but without the moral implications; or a political speech, but without the immoral implications.
Alone: adj.:
in the best of company — or the worst.
Alpaca: n.:
the animal which supplies the wool from which good Republican cloth coats are woven.
Altar: n.:
an impediment that bears the same relation to the chapel as the TV set to the living room.
Altruism: n.:
self-aggrandizement.
A transaction wherein the profits are not all declared.
Amaze: v.t.:
stimulate incompleteness of understanding and insufficiency of imagination.
Ambiguous: adj.:
in the fashion of the phrasing of those rules which purport to restrict the actions of Business or Government or of the indiviual operatives therein.
Ambition: n.:
that element of reach that allows it to exceed our grasp: what a Heaven's for. Ambition is traditionally undeterred by reality; or by morality.
America First: motto:
(working) Americans last.
The American Dream: n.:
something for nothing (or, more properly, next to nothing.)
The bulk of immigrants came to the New World to see the streets that were "paved with gold," where a man could become wealthy without having to work all his life for someone else. The promise was empty, but the only ones who found that out were the ones who had believed it in the first place.
The American People: n.:
that portion of the population that agrees with my positions.
Amerind: n.:
acronym for American Indigene.
One whose family came to the land when immigration laws were a lot stricter than they are now and were enforced by Nature, not by politically malleable bureaucrats.
Activists hold the position that the land the US took from them at the point of a sword is rightfully theirs because their ancestors had to fight to wrest it from the inferior peoples who had been wasting its bounty before those ancestors arrived.
Ammunition: n.:
game counters for playing to determine whose side God is really on.
Apparently similar to a collection plate: "Praise the Lord, and Pass the Ammunition."
Amnesty: n.:
a declaration by government that there are too many prisoners to fit in the jails, just now.
Amnesty International: n.:
a short-sighted organization who wilfully confuse our just protection of society from dangerous malefactors with our opponents' malicious persecution of guiltless dissidents.
Amoral: adj.:
having the audacity to ignore my value system.
Amputation: n.:
surgical downsizing.
Anal-retentive: adj.:
having the character of the personality type called anal retentive.
[Note] this pair of definitions is intended to answer the question "Is anal retentive spelled with or without a hyphen?" The short answer is, of course, "Yes." The proper answer is "It depends." This is, of course, unacceptable to anyone who would ask the question.
Analyst: n.:
one who charges doctor's rates to sit and listen for a short hour at a time. Derived from anal, in reference to the region where the average analyst seems to keep his head.
Anarchy: n.:
conservative's characterization of liberal democracy.
Anarchy would be the most advanced form of government, as it requires total involvement and responsibility of its citizens. No culture has successfully implemented an anarchy; all attempts have quickly degenerated to bossism or some form of feudalism.
Idealistic and naive students keep trying, however, aided and abetted by nihilists and damnfools and, of course, the everpresent Media.
Anathema: proper name:
daughter of Zeus; patron deity of the party out of power.
Anatomy: n.:
something we all have, but it looks better on girls.
Ancient: adj.:
older than my parents.
"And a little child shall lead them": phrase:
these days, it's more likely just to be someone who acts like one.
Androgyne: proper name:
Attic Greek foreshadow of Michael Jackson.
Android: adj.:
shaped like Andrew.
Angel: n.:
someone on my side.
Anhedonist: n.:
one who cannot experience pleasure; rare.
Not to be confused with Antihedonist: one who cannot bear that anyone else experience pleasure; common.
Animal husbandry: n.:
traditional coursework at land-grant colleges.
Animal magnetism: n.:
that power that causes pet hair to stick to your clothes.
In magnetism, opposites attract, which explains why white dog hair is drawn to your best blue serge, while linen has an affinity for black fur.
Animal Rights: n.:
an oxymoronic movement which must be viewed as the inevitable consequence of the stuffed-animal toy industry and the commercial, if not artistic, success of Disney movies.
The movement as currently espoused shows a profound lack of understanding of either rights or animals.
Anodyne: n.:
surcease of sorrow, or of pain.
The aspiration of many a political speech; oft promised, ne'er delivered.
Anomie: n.:
the social state toward which modern urban culture naturally gravitates, as it has been doing at least since the time of Socrates:
Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.Most readers consider the remarks contemporary.
Anonymous: adj.:
afraid or ashamed to admit to one's writings.
Anonymous: proper name:
the most prolific author in recorded history.
Anorexia: proper name:
a minor Roman deity, goddess of weight control
Answering machine: n.:
the method that allows modern business to thrive on impersonal contact.
Antibiotic: n.:
any chemical that kills bacteria slightly faster than it kills patients and which can contribute to the profitability of a pharmaceutical company.
AntiChrist: n.:
during the Middle Ages, the Pope, according to the Pope.
Antipathy: n.:
ashes of the flames of passion.
Apartheid: n.:
a system of racial oppression so abhorrent that members of the aggrieved races migrated toward it in their tens of thousands per year for most of the years is was in effect.
Aphorism: n.:
archaic term for a sound bite.
Aphrodisiac: n.:
the Holy Grail of steroid research; an agent which either creates desire in another to match the appetites of the wielder or engenders ability to match the desires of the user.
The ultimate power over members of the appropriate sex.
Apollonian: adj.:
the kind of pleasure that does not involve getting falling-down drunk and rolling around in the mud; much denigrated by those whose pleasures consist of getting drunk and falling down in the mud.
Apologist: n.:
spokesperson for the other side.
Applejack: n.:
a potation derived from apples, which has about the same effects as a blackjack;
a portmanteau word containing "apple brandy" and "blackjack" in combined reference to cause and effect.
Appropriation: n.:
a legislative promise to make the taxpayer pay.
Approval: n.:
recognition of benefit.
April Fool: proper name:
cultural icon, companion to the March Hare. The two are icons of the Easter season, the holiest of times to orthodox Christians.
Aquarius: n.:
astrological sign and age, popularized in the 60s. We are now in the Middle Age of Aquarius.
Arbeit macht frei: imported phrase:
German for "workfare".
Arbitrator: n.:
mediator of differences between individuals or groups.
In this day and age, most commonly hired from Samuel Colt, Smith and Wesson, or one of their collegial agencies.
Archaic: adj.:
of my parents' generation or, inconceivably, earlier.
Archeology: n.:
the science that divines a culture's religion by sifting through its garbage pits.
Arguable: adj.:
not yet ruled on by the Supreme Court.
Argument: n.:
an attempt to change through the use of words the nature of a reality that others have created through their actions.
Aria: n.:
what the fat lady sings to signal that it's over.
Army: n.:
an entity that marches on its belly — or slithers, or whatever that verb of locomotion happens to be.
alternatively, Armey.
Arrogant: adj.:
unable, or simply unwilling, to recognize my obvious superiority.
Ars gratia artis: imported phrase:
"Art for the gratification of the Artist."
When paired with the image of a roaring lion, "Art for the gratification of the bank account."
Art: n.:
a product or event produced by someone identifying themselves as an artist, especially if endorsed by a collector, critic or gallery.
Traditionally, imitation life.
Artesia: proper name:
Roman goddess of broken water mains.
Artful: adj.:
full of art; dishonest.
Article: n.:
a part of speech that comes in two flavors — definite and indefinite. English is unusual in having both kinds, which can be a source of great confusion: someone who has found a truth is tempted to believe he has discovered the truth. Such a belief is rarely justified.
It may be worth noting, however, that English is nearly the only language capable of expressing the distinction.
Articulate: adj.:
glib.
Artificial horizon: n.:
a device the pilot keeps in the cockpit to remind him which way is up.
Artificial respiration: n.:
breathing for people whose health is not good enough to support the authentic kind.
Asinine: adj.:
exhibiting the perspicacity, wisdom and relevance of a public figure, especially a political figure.
Ask to resign: v.t.:
fire ceremoniously.
Asp: n.:
Cleopatra's experimental living bra; a real killer of a lingerie project.
Aspirations: n.:
dreams beyond one's station, i.e., impediments to success and satisfaction.
Assassinate: v.t.:
bring about the death of a public figure I approve of.
Assassination: n.:
the delicate care with which we nurture the reputation of our opponents during the campaign season.
Assertiveness training: n.:
socially sanctioned training for bad manners: acceptable largely for its expense, which qualifies it as a status symbol.
Assisted suicide: n.:
the predictable outcome of pointing a gun at police officers; a method of steadily increasing popularity.
Nearly all other forms, involving members of other professions, are illegal.
Astrology: n.:
secular religion of the New Age; the belief that those little lights in the sky that you can't even make out through the light pollution of the city, minutely control the intimate details of your life.
Astronomical: adj.:
too many to envision, as the number of stars in the sky or the number of relatives on a Congressman's staff.
Astronomer: n.:
one who makes his life observing the private and public lives of the stars; not to be confused with the paparazzi, who makes his living peering into the private lives of stars.
At sixes and sevens: phrase:
low, down. The origins of the reference are obscure in the age of digital clocks.
Atom: n.:
indivisible boogie man of the Twentieth Century.
Atone: v.i.:
attempt to make a right by committing a second wrong.
Athletic scholarship: n.:
license for illiteracy.
Austere: adj.:
exhibiting the warmth and fashionability of an eremite monk.
Austerity program: n.:
economic social engineering so severe that officials are sometimes obliged to accept a reduction in their income from bribes.
Author: n.:
one who has discovered how to don the mantle of omnipotence.
Autocratic: adj.:
in the fashion of a badly spoiled child.
Automaton: n.:
mechanical dittohead.
Automobile: n.:
the device which stands as master of the average modern household.
Literally, self-mover, which name superceded all the others based on the observation of the device in its natural environment, where it proceeds apparently without consciousness or intelligent direction.
Automobilia: proper name:
a strange land whose history runs complementary to that of America — for example, in Automobilia, Lincoln is the rich man's Ford. In either, though, a "better idea" is one that assures more income for the auto makers.
Autonomy: n.:
the fruit of Tantalus, as translated into the language of modern civic government.
Avant-garde: adj.:
artsy-fartsy; usually, with the intent to shock or offend.
The term is frequently used to disguise inadequate vision and poor execution.
Avarice: n.:
"He who dies with the most toys, wins."
There used to be a literary device of referring to "wealth beyond your dreams of avarice." Dreamers are much more adept now.
Awkward: adj.:
possessing a level of grace and coordination less than me at my best.